rEallY ForGottEn bLoG

2010-08-13T17:39:00.001+08:00

不知道是不是不习惯睡这间房间，每晚都睡不好。。。现在渐渐病倒了。。。

不想麻烦到你，因为你刚刚找到工作。。。

2010-07-25T12:14:00.002+08:00

很多事情急不来。。。

我知道我拖了很久才做。。。

但是东西都有个步骤去处理，如果不照次序去做，可能会弄巧反拙。。。

一直一直的要我做决定，问题是到最后如果不好，不是可以改过来的事情。。。

这个决定是要果断，要长久承受的。。。

不是儿戏，我才坚持要两个人决定。。。

如果可以。。。

我真的希望说不用搬。。。

我们可以存到钱，也可以省省用。。。

但是，我心底知道这是不可能的。。。

你们两个没有一个人肯退步。。。

跟你讲到搬房子。。。

我一直拖，我知道是我不对。。。

但是我真的不想搬。。。

不是因为父母，也不是因为家。。。

因为我觉得搬出去，是很大的一个负担，

一个我会扛到透不过气的负担。

就算是有你帮忙，也一样。。。

我搬家有很多顾虑。。。

1）价钱

2）房客

3）房东

4）地点。我回兵营方便吗？

5）车费

6）出马来西亚方便吗？

这些不知道你又想过吗？

你一直说我做决定。。。

但是我真的决定不来

我很懦弱。。。

我不敢面对。。。　但是我不敢跟你说。。。

对不起

2010-03-20T20:35:00.002+08:00

我。

- 习惯把错先算在自己身上
- 孤单的度过艰难日子
- 不喜欢麻烦别人
- 喜欢自己解决烦恼
- 一切都喜欢靠自己

这些。。。都是我的缺点吧。。。
把错算在自己身上：是不想自我意识太强，一旦有失误，第一个把责任推到别人身上去。
是个自我检讨的方式。。。但是，现实是残酷的。。。一旦我这么做，那些“第一个把责任推到别人身上去”就会把责任推过来。。。
做好人很难，一做好人就被坏人欺负。。。世界没有公平吗？在这样子的社会里面才会有平等吗？

每天都装到好像没事情发生一样的想要跟我讲话，你的居心到底何在？你是打着什么如意算盘？好好的家，搞到这样子，你一句 “生了孩子搬出去住，有心回来看你”就想要了解一切？你们以后的相处是怎样？难道不用相处吗？真的可以做得到？我被你搞了这么多东西，你一点忏悔都没有，每天造样过，当作没有发生任何事情，也不必交待。这算什么？我就得收拾残局，你就坐享其成。人的心肠为什么要那么硬？就因为是长辈，就可以摸黑一切真相，错了也不用道歉？错了也不用赔不是？就一直针对晚辈来欺负？我想反驳。。。但是，你太野蛮了。跟你多说也只是浪费我的力气。。。

不浪费力气，我就只好完全投入工作。。。每天加班，不是我想要的生活。只有这样，我才能发泄，我才能省钱，我才能赚多一点钱，我才能不想那么多，我才能给自己空间，我才能把自己反锁在我的世界里，我才能不去想任何事情，我才能休息。。。这是我逃脱，解脱的愚蠢方法。。。请原谅我。。。我并没有想让任何人担心。。。我只想逃避。。。

工作上。。。一直在做坏人。。。同事们，我知道我很过分，你们在忙的时候我不帮忙还在位置做自己的东西。。。你们找我的时候我老是推卸。。。我现在已经模糊了，我的工作是什么？我该做什么？难道。。。要我去跟他抢工作？要我努力去想尽办法弄他走？要我努力去接替他的工作？我又会得到什么？老板会加我的薪水吗？老板会赏识我吗？我是否该踏出这一步？

有个人说我一直不敢踏出那一步。那一步，不是失败就算了。。。那一步，一踏就是不归路。。。那一步，应该要好好想到未来才能踏出。。。如果不用顾虑后果，不会有任何的责任得赴起，我早就已经踏出去了。。。我肩膀太重了。。。我不能乱来，只能小心一点的行事。。。我得做你们的后备，如果有什么事情我还得帮你们顶着。。。到了现在，不能两个人都倒下。。。我会努力的。。。至少小心一点努力。。。请原谅我的胆小，请原谅我的怕事，请原谅我的顾虑心，请原谅我的犹豫，我。。。就是我。。。对不起。。。

2010-03-19T11:39:00.002+08:00

我的命水差。。。
小时候读书，没什么读都考到好成绩。。。
但是升上中学了，怎么考都考不到好成绩。。。
怎么背都背不进书。。。

当兵时，成绩蛮好。本想当个sergeant还是什么的。。。
谁知道没被选上。。。长官那时还蛮看好我的。。。谁知。。。

做工了。。。老板升我的职，薪水却升一点点。。。
到现在，作了牛作了马。。。
还是没加薪，反而调个高层过来压我。。。

本以为成家，会更幸运。。。
大家都说，红是冲喜。。。
老婆也娶了，孩子也来着了。。。
结果。。。闹到我的家庭计划被打乱。。。

这一切都是命水吗？是因为我没有别的可以指责而赖命水吗？
终觉得我的命里都充满着不完美。。。
都是做到一半，顺顺利利。。。
突发状况一来，我就措手不及。事情无法坚持下去。。。
这以上是我本人的问题吧。。。
写出来了才会慢慢发现自己的不完美。。。。

也许这就是自我检讨。。。
人就是要放慢脚步，停下来，看看自己走过的路，才能真正的把前面的路好好走完。。。
坚持是我要学的东西，不能再逃避了。。。

2010-02-12T14:51:00.002+08:00

我有一个想很多的老婆。
我希望她嫁给我可以过着无忧无虑的生活，
一切烦恼的事都留给我去想。
毕竟我比较会解决问题。。。
但是，有些事情并非我想象的那样。

最大的问题是。。。
我家那张“大嘴巴”。。。
神也是他，鬼也是他。
凡是只看得到眼前的东西，
对于自己是完全看不到。
每次每次的批评都是针对别人，
但是自己又没比被批评的人好到哪里去。

这种人需要的是什么？
我觉得是一面镜子。
这面镜子，会在这个人想要批评别人之前出现在他面前。
这样一来，他可以：
1）让这个人看到自己，让他自我反省，
2）让他看到自己批评人时是多么的丑陋，
3）让他看到他身后的家人时为他的一举一动，言行举止多么的丢脸，多么的羞耻。

要一个孕妇在这种环境下过日子，
我知道很辛苦你了。
但是，怀着我们的将来的泥，
一定要好好照顾自己。
凡事都要记得，快乐有时是要自己找的。
别人并不能让你完全快乐，
可能除了我之外。 =P
但是别人是一定能让你不快乐

虽然需要尊敬两老，
但是，他们也是刚刚有了个媳妇，
也许第一年，再加上你怀孕，
这两老也不知什么该做什么不该做。
我们做晚辈的，
也只能依他们了。

老婆，日子怎样都要过，
过的快乐，开心，只会对自己有利。
过的伤心，难过，只会造成心灵创伤。
很多时候，不是不在意不开心的事，
不是不视而不闻，不去理会，
而是，路虽难走，
但是崎岖的路，大步豪迈的走，
会走得比较快，也走得比较顺。

溅嘴巴的人多的是，
你能避得了几个？
你又能证明给几个看？
如果一直想避想证明，
那你岂不是等于为这些人而活？
你的日子会快乐？会开心？会好过吗?

孩子啊孩子，你妈她真的很辛苦。
晚上睡不好，白天又得伺候老人家，
你真的要乖乖，让妈妈好好地在休息时刻能够休息。
你要坏蛋玩闹，等你出来过后，
爸爸陪你一起啊~你一个人在肚子里，一定很闷吧~
没有玩具，没有朋友，没有娱乐，没有卡通。。。
所以快快长大~爸爸在花花世界等着你一起玩乐~！

2009-10-25T15:18:00.002+08:00

老婆。。。很心疼你一直不舒服。。。恨恨自己爱莫能助。。。想尽办法要让你好受一些，但是对你来说我的办法根本解决不了你的问题。
根本都爱莫能助。。。
我能做什么？？？
可以告诉我我可以做什么吗？
我真的不知道自己可以做些什么。。。
静静的陪在你身边又不能让你更舒服。。。
嗨。。。

我不知道怎么办好。。。
你很辛苦，我不想让你更辛苦。。。

2009-09-17T13:57:00.002+08:00

最近老婆生日刚刚过。。。为她小小庆祝了。。。对不起，因为今年经济还是很不好所以没办法帮你大型的庆祝。。。
我知道你想要很多人跟你一起庆祝，你想把快乐带给大家也是想分享你的快乐。。。也许明年手头松了我会帮你好好办个生日会~这个我答应你~！

今年的礼物。。。好像送得太多了。。。惨了。。。明年就得更加多。。。哈哈~
我知道暂时不能给你一个完美的家，所以我借了兔子家族先让你有个完美的家。
看到你买那个新的电话，有点心痛。但是看到你这么喜欢就也替你开心多了。

我的老婆啊。。。我心底知道你很辛苦，得忍耐这么多不愉快的事情，更何况是在离乡背井的情况下，你又能跟谁诉苦呢？
如果我是你的话，我早就得了忧郁症了。。。你很坚强，也很有毅力。这是我自从认识你就很欣赏的特质。
每次听到你的跟我提到你受委屈，我都很心疼。。。我心疼没办法帮你拜托你的委屈，我心疼你每次委屈都没办法倾诉。。。
我很想听你的想法，但有时你又不跟我说明一切，只是和我提个大概。。。
有时我想分担，但是又以为你把事情全部告诉我时，其实我只了解了故事大纲，我觉得。。。是不是我平时给不了你安全感，还是信任还是时间，使到你不想和我说整个故事。。。每次听完了你说的东西却又不是整个故事，我提了意见却又被你吐嘈，心里会觉得很不屑，也会觉得很累。。。你又你内心的挣扎，我也陷入了我内心的挣扎。。。你的问题我每次都很想为你想，为你解决。但是，一旦我知道我给的解决方式根本你都有做却不跟我说你有做过，那种感觉就好像。。。被背叛的感觉。。。为什么我觉得我的老婆在提妨我呢？每次你诉苦，我只是应该静静的听吗？我跟其他人提起，大家都是说她只想跟你说说罢了，不需要你的意见。。。也许这样子是你真的想要得吧。。。
也许我真的是该静静的听，什么都不说，就只是同意你的感觉而不是解决你的问题，不要多管闲事，才能和你和睦相处。。。
我不知道我能够忍多久，我这个一直在转的脑子，就是有着有问题就要解决的习惯。。。
我会坚持的，为了日子好过些。希望你也会。。。
有时面对你的诉苦，我不知道该怎么样，我得慢慢习惯改变我的作风。。。我该如何面对。。。嗨。。。

我很疼惜你我的老婆。。。
希望你好。。。其实，有些时候，不明白你的诉苦，是因为你把别人对你的方式看得太重，还是你觉得你受了很大的委屈。。。我不知道你的容忍度是到哪里。。。我也不知道你的想法是什么？你只是想让我知道？还是想让我帮你解决?如果日子不好过，是每天的抱怨，还是努力的解决，这是我不了解你的一点。
每次每次的抱怨都是为了一直以来未解决的问题，这样子是为了什么？
我很想明白。。。我想了解。。。不然的话，我觉得我们夫妻之间永远都有很深的代沟。。。是我们不够贴近吗？还是我们不够了解对方就结婚？

一直被电话声打扰，写不下去了。。。算了，就到这里吧。。。

想法

2009-05-15T11:13:00.002+08:00

烦。。。大家压力都很大。接近摆酒的时候，很多东西都最后一分钟才做，工作方面又要减薪，真是伤脑精。
吵架发脾气也帮不上什么忙。。。咳。。。
真头疼。

再加上她和他之间一直有意见不合，我这个夹心饼真是左右为难啊。。。两个都不听我的劝解好难做人。
要怎么办才好？好想就什么都不管的扔一旁，自己一个人到处流浪，好想去海边，拼命的呐喊呐喊。
好想发泄。我不能丢下两人不管，因为不管会让事情闹的更遭。因为不管，这个家会四分五裂。
因为不管，我这个儿子和老公的责任就失职了。因为，我得管的理由，比我不管的理由来的更重要和更多。
我真的不能不管，不能不负责人。要管好，也希望两方都可以帮帮忙，迁就迁就。
难道Give &　Ｔａｋｅ只是Ｏｎｅ　Ｗａｙ吗？Is there only 1 Giver & 1 Taker in every case?
好懊恼哦。。。

昨天突然有个想法：
“两个人在一起”，　这里面的ｋｅｙｗｏｒｄ是“两个人”而不是“在一起”。
因为，有了两个人，才需要在一起。
如果是“一个人”又何必在一起。
更何况，华文中没有人说“两个一个人在一起”
一个人就是一个人都是你走你的我走我的互不相干。
两个人就不同，两个人如同一体，做事都要顾虑对方，做事都要三思，做事都不能太过分，意见要分享，意见要互相同意。
有时也想说发发小脾气就让对方去解决问题，让对方去伤脑精。我也想在事情有问题时，板着脸保持沉默。
这些都是伤感情的事情，我都不希望我有一天得这样做才能得到我要的东西。也许我心软但是我知道那种感受。
前一个她也是这样对我的。老板娘和我说我太宠了，不能把女人宠坏。身为女人的她，结过婚的她也许真的比我还了解女人的心理。
我真得太宠了吗？宠到现在的她，慢慢显示以前的她的阴影，那种不高兴就把事情让我处理，沉默不语，板着脸。
那种感觉真的不好，好难受。

我一身就是缠绕着这样的问题。工作上，客人的不谅解，公司的不退让，使我变成夹心饼。
在家时，我也是夹心饼。这就是命吧。

既来之则安之。会来的东西是一定会来，你再怎么怨再怎么气，问题还是不能解决。
要的是解决的方法，不是一大堆的怨言和气话。
好想要全世界的人都知道，你们有没有想过你们发脾气的另一方是什么人，被你发了脾气又有什么想法与感受。
如果这人变成你自己，你又会有什么感受？

世界和平，非我一人行。
我只希望我身边和平就好了。

2009-03-24T13:50:00.003+08:00

nice song... not fit for the moment but like the song though.

黄靖伦 - 慢半拍
作词：陈镇川
专辑：伦语录★ 制作

总是等到脸色有点苍白
才突然想起桌上那袋隔夜的外卖
总是会在窗户外开始泛白
才会发觉又发了一整晚的呆
突然看见路旁那棵树
不知何时开始枯
怎麽我总忘了留意天凉的速度
当叹息的时候呼出了白雾
才慢慢感到寒冷的温度
这世界太快连爱都不例外
尽管我很努力想要跟上你的节拍
我慢慢明白以为的细心对待
却根本不符合这个时代
怪自己慢了半拍

如果当初听得出你开始生疏
我会为专注再多下一点功夫
总是慢步以为会更清楚
竟然错过了倒数措手不及落幕
连难过都慢了半拍
拼命追着你太快的脚步却在出口迷了路
竟也听不到你的催促当我还在对人炫耀
你的依赖和我的愉快
原来我早默默被你淘汰
却根本不符合这个时代
怪只怪我自己总慢了半拍
这世界太快就连爱都不例外
OH………
我终於明白就连眼泪也都慢了半拍
我慢了半拍

2009-03-24T12:50:00.002+08:00

sooooooo long ago since i opened up the blog wor... suddenly remember that i have this blog... went around to look at other's blog abit before writing. seems like some of them have also stopped for a moment... economy crisis leading to less cashflow to cover for the internet cost therefore = 0 entries since last year? looks like the economy crisis is taking its toll on bloggers as well...

onto the blog... been not feeling well recently. sleepless nights waking up at night... not sure whether its the bloody weather thats making me sleepless or the workload thats stressing me out. I don't have much work to do but the work i have is stressful... who likes to handle complain cases for your fellow compatriots can come and try out at my job... don't like to see compatriots having to fork out money of their own just because of some passenger's unhappiness or misarrangement from the company. Especially when i am once like them stemming up from the counter, it was a hard road nonetheless to reach this level. its all so ridiculous, this life i've been leading... the pay isn't enough to feed a family, which i already have started when i haven't even prepared saving for it at all. Starting from scratch is never easy. I have to work hard man... even if it really cause me my mental health i have to be there to earn that money... life is so not in my hands.

talking bout work... i asked a fellow work mate that is it hard to control the counter when you yourself rise from the counter. the reply? "yes, you cannot work with your colleagues when friendship is there, that is why i chose to change all of my fellow workers" "new people will not rebel or feel you illtreat them" actually what he said is none other than the truth. for us to have an easy time, we need to instil fear in the ones below us. so have past rulers/kings/leaders been doing this to achieve great success. i finally understand that there is no mutual understanding in this world but there is mutual manipulation, some even a monomanipulation. they built a fortress around them and they make use of others to complete her fortress while she ventures far and wide taking over mass lands and bask in the glory and riches of her gains from all over the world. Only this kind of people can survive, can lead and can thrive in this kind of environment. the better you think you treat a person, the better you hope that he/she reciprocates to you, the more they will disappoint you with their own actions. people change, they change alot and they change fast. perhaps once is enough to give the idea that this person is changing from good to bad, bad to worse, worse to hell... there is no worst after worse as hell is the next level. you cannot be bad-good or worse-bad, neither can you be worst-worse, you can only be hell to others... this is true, so true. a person does not choose his road, the road is already chosen, he just walks.

seeing some of the elderlys who came to book tours at the agency, i really feel happy for them as they have lived a life so long, so hard, especially during their times where they saw the whole world changed from simple to modern. they are still able to travel, they are all so cheerful... perhaps it is all past them, all the hardships, all the years, all the people they had to deal with... to see old people, it is really a blessed thing. Elderly people are talkative, but what they talk are knowledge, experience, opinions, suggestions valuable advises. its good to talk to elderly. i am happy to see them, respect them and interact with them... they are the ones who have put aside everything in life and want to enjoy the rest of their life in peace and enjoyment. perhaps it is only during these short few years that humans will really enjoy life the way it is, with all the knowings of things and seen all kinds of people. how i wish the whole world would be filled with elderly haha~ at least things will be slow moving enough for me to handle...

haven't slept well for the pass few days... feeling vexed... especially with new complain case all the time. its like a daily dose of vitamins, for my case complain case... its like taking drugs everyday... its deteriorating my health and stamina, slowly draining away at my life. to make it worst, the fight amongst the co's family dragged me into it to be the shield... its already tiring at my level, bringing me up to their level to be amongst the war, its not helping... neither is having fellows below causing problems with their slowly changing attitude. if you feel its not suitable for you to stay on, you can opt to leave. but i assure you, the outside world is not as relaxing workplace as your current one, i've been there before and returned.

i need to save up for my family.... its a family i have to keep alive and well. slog it out and they will have a better life ahead. especially for my wife and in future my children, you all will be my main push to carry on, my determination, my will to carry on. i want good in this world, i'm ignorant, i'm too honest, i need to change, be evil and my family will live in luxury~ cheers to stepping into darkness, its time for the change, hang in there my family, once the time comes, it is time for you all to enjoy life fully.

2008-11-09T18:34:00.002+08:00

今天是休息日。。。等了许久的休息日到了。。。今天，宝贝没有休息，她的两个休息日和我都碰不上。过了一个无聊的早上和中午，下午时分我终于踏出了我的第一步。
每次都提说要减肥的我，一直都没有任何的行动。今天，我再度捡起宝贝和妹子送的篮球，下到篮球场去运动。看着篮球场，有一种想下去打球又不敢下去打球的感想。还记得那一次，就是在篮球场上弄到一脚的伤。到现在膝盖偶尔还是会疼痛。不知道这次会不会又弄到脚。
可是看到那一次一次的投球进篮的感觉真是好爽快。踏上场子，第一投出去的球，好顺手。看着球在空中旋转的那种感觉，看着球慢慢的飞向篮筐。看样子第一粒球射的不赖嘛。谁知道这时有另一粒球飞了过来把我的球撞开。。。真是倒霉。光荣地返回篮球场的一幕被人家破坏了。。。
接着就一直的在投篮。这个感觉就跟以前一样，无忧无虑的在打着篮球。时间过了多少，过了多久都不管。只要可以在这个场地投投篮传传球就满足了。不久后，有人说要打比赛，来个5对5。好久没打了，和队友比起来我的技术差很多，体能更不用说了。挺着一个大肚子要怎么跑呢？更何况，已经快要一年多了没有打过3对3怎么去打呢？脚会不会又因此而受伤。好多顾虑。但是比赛开始了。还好并不是很考体能，大家都随随便便的打。来来去去没什么紧张的。
后来累了就打3对3。这时候，好开心。因为不用跑太多。哈哈~！很懒惰吧。因为脚伤我不敢太勉强自己。一直都在做传球动作。但是我就是这种人，不喜欢做主角，喜欢做人们会注意到的配角。每一次的妙传都看到队友有很好的进球机会，那种感觉是让人最开心的。尤其是那种传球，就在对手的面前飞过准确的到达队友的手中，然后队友有着辽阔的空间轻松进球，哈哈！那种惊人的传球，那种看到队友进球，太兴奋了。连续打了4场，赢了3场输了1场。分数都是最后一分钟大家一起努力追回。

好想要我的脚没事，让我像以前那样，要跳多高就跳多高。谁说胖子不能跳。我以前就跳过还蛮高的。但都是从前了。
打完球，好累，全身都不听使唤。快要垮下来了。好累。但是好满足的累。
好喜欢打篮球。
真的好喜欢。。。

我不够体谅体贴？

2008-10-22T10:01:00.003+08:00

最近这一个月，一直和她发生争执。每次吵的都是我在无理取闹。。。到头来我真的知错了。也许是我真的很累，脾气不好，才搞到这样。真的希望你可以体谅。。。
其实我也很想结婚快点把这件事给解决好让我们能名正言顺的称呼对方做老公与老婆。但是，在这筹备的路上，我终觉得你有东西都不和我谈。婚纱配套决定了下来，有不满意的地方你都放在心里，问你也问不出一个头绪令我好苦恼。。。哎。。。我越来越猜不透她的想法，好多时候都弄到她发脾气。我的表达能力也不好，经常让她误会我的意思。
工作压力也好大。。。每天要面对我的同事的无礼客人，回家得面对我的念经老爸，让我一天下来根本都休息不到。。。
好苦恼哦。。。每天睡觉都睡不好。。。不知道要怎么办。。。
婚事要提前吗？
提亲怎么办？
嫁妆怎么办？
酒楼怎么办？
结婚戒指怎么办？
火车票要订几次？
有多少客人要邀请？
那些摆酒的烈酒和红酒怎么办？
是花钱买还是省省买？
新马都要摆，摆酒费用多少，试菜，谈装潢，谈配套，作决定。
好多东西啊。。。我觉得一定有东西漏了还没想到。
这些东西的筹备之间需要拿多少的假期花费多少的时间去完整的排好一切。
没有计划的实行，我的顾虑是到最后会做得不完美。
结婚是一生人一次，没的排练，没的实验。一次做不好，往回看的都是遗憾。。。
因为我的人生已经受过一次打击，小时的不努力照成了今天落魄的我。
挽也挽不回的遗憾是我这一生最后悔的。

是我想得太多了吗?是我有无需的顾虑吗？还是被别人觉得我太托时间？我不知道。也许我和她想法不同我知道我不能和她说这些，因为这些东西不是她想要听到的。我很想让步，你说什么都行。但是，决定了的事情又被改掉的话会让人很。。。哎。。。也许结婚就是那样，很多的谈不来，很多的小吵架。。。

我是爱你的。。。
希望你也知道我疼你。。。
我不想也不喜欢吵架。。。
想结婚前的那种开心的感觉渐渐的少了。。。
也许双方的压力都很大。。。
真希望可以改善改善现在的状况。。。
昨晚好想哭，已经好久没有那种感觉了。。。
上次这样的感觉时，是在那时夹在中间时。。。

我的工作，让我好累。每次想和她诉苦，想想，和她说，她也解决不了我就都不说了。每次提到，都只是盖过。还是听她诉苦比较好吧。毕竟她的工作环境比我乱一点。又是到那种时候，我想要逃离这个地方，到国外绕一圈，好好的休息一番。真的很累了。

我很累啊~！！！！！！！

2008-09-28T13:42:00.002+08:00

wa... so long since i've written~! haha~! been busy lately... all this new work load is getting me down. Although have already done this before however still not getting used to it... All the getting scolded by colleagues' customers, all the unreliant pressure from the customers, all the unending request from the customers who make complains. all these for the pay of just a common job. Really regret not studying well and getting a degree, the pay that comes in now can hardly ever feed 2 persons have to scrimp and save and don't even have money to support my family. How are my parents gonna rely on me for the rest of their life? damn...

Everything is a double edge sword, complains can be viewed from two points customer's point and staff's point, both maybe correct, both maybe wrong but both do not want to stand on the ends in order to balance things out. Its just like a SeeSaw ride. everyone wants to be in the middle, in the middle you are firm, won't fall off and you can control which side goes down. only if two parties agree to move to the ends of their side then will things balance out. not worth saying all these, as all those complains do not understand reasoning that is why they are complaining. If reasoning can talk sense into them, there will not be a complain.

Saw a guy shouting to his girlfriend in the midst of the crowd. The girl left crying. really wanted to give the guy a piece of my mind, wanted to shout at him "How do you fucking feel if someone shouted at you like that" Why can't people learn to put others in their own shoes? There's no peace in this world especially when there are no people who are forgiving. Forgiving not because other people bully you and you forgive them, but forgiving for when things happen and others are not able to help you. Never should one let anger fog their judgement. I'm not making sense saying all these haha~! Its been long since my last post man... must learn to write again... damn...

Planning to get married, but where am i gonna find the money, all the efforts taken to get married... all the time needed for planning. I wanted to sit down and discuss however i feel without help i'm going no where. Parents still have to accompany me to meet the parents discussion, due to distance of hometown, have to do wedding ceremony for both sides. Wedding Vacation? you bet thats what i'm thinking however being the only child and eldest daughter, don't think will get permission to do that.

Investment is the way to earn money eh? wheres the capital gonna come from? savings? loan? i have none and neither do i qualify for 1. hows it gonna work out for me? Lottery? how many times will i ever win 1? perhaps robbing would stand a greater chance haha~! greater chance to land in jail i guess~!

Who can give me a guideline for Marriage? I need it bad man~

Shes been sick for so long, wish she would get well. however wishing didn't help... She wants an X-ray done, at least to put her mind at ease... I really don't know whats wrong with her, Breathing difficulties... Panting once a while... all these happening even when shes firmly sitting down. Stress?? not sure... Heart Problem? don't scare me... i guess really need to send her for cardiac checkup. Money can be earned back, what is neccessary is that she get cured from her illness. Don't like to see her suffer this way. Deep down its painful even though she hides it everytime. nobody likes to feel helpless, neither i,neither her. I guess thats what i'm gonna do, use the money to get her treated first... wedding hafta wait. no point wedding her if shes not herself at the wedding night.

Oh yeah got her present for her birthday. Hope that really made her day. She had to work on that day due to Inhouse fair. So i went around and got her present. Fossil Watch which she had been oogling for a long time. that really cost a bomb... 0.2k+++ first time i bought such expensive things in my life apart from PS2, PSP, NDS oops haha... seems like alot of other thingies. however that gift was partially paid by her colleagues i'm just buying on behalf. My gift? Doreamon Music Box. plays a few tunes of monotonous music however the moving Doraemon carrying different musical instruments are really cute. haha~! Hope she liked it. Tried to surprise her with a text message to "re-propose" to her however she went to put back the phone she wasn't using... caused anticlimax in the romance... ahaha~!
Nonetheless, the cake was the highlight~! Tiramisu, and a surprise after reaching home, althought the Dinner made us so full we couldn't get anymore cake in... haha~! but well... she was moved. i guess thats what i thought. *bleah*

want to end le.... too much texting.

2008-06-22T12:20:00.002+08:00

最近觉得自己很没有用。。。
美生病了。。。
病得不知所谓，
病得不知原因，
病得求医不治。

其实是我夸大了。
哈哈~

在台湾的时候，
她病倒了。
接到她的导游的电话，
吓了我一跳。
“她进了紧急急救室，
可能会有事。
快点来见见她吧。”
这是她的导游和我说的。。。
那时的我，
好想抛下我的团，
立即跑到医院去看她。。。
心里想着，
好晴天霹雳的一件事情发生在我身上。

那时的脑海里，
就好像连续剧里一般，
一直担心见不到她最后一面。
一直都在胡思乱想。
一直希望她撑着，
不可以对生命放弃。
结果到了医院，
看到她没事，
才放下心来。

回到了新加坡，
她还是一直没有好起来。
一直的感觉到心跳加速，
呼吸困难，
怎么也好不起来。
这时我真的觉得自己很没用。
她一直不舒服，
可是我什么也帮不上忙，
不能让她舒缓自己的痛苦。
看到她那么辛苦，
每次都呼吸困难，
说也说不出话来。
我只能看着她，
也不能分享她的辛苦。
我觉得自己对生活一点控制也没有。
非常不喜欢这种遇到困难却又帮不上忙的感觉。
不喜欢无奈的感觉。
我喜欢掌控自己的人生。
相信美也是一样。

我很努力的在你难过之余，
逗你开心，
让你不胡思乱想。
希望你能好过一点。
但是每次每次看到你脸色并没有变化，
感觉自己很废。。。
什么也帮不上忙。

你到底患了什么病？
怎么医生怎么也查不出来？
新加坡的医学不是很棒吗？
怎么寻了这么多也没有完全根治的办法？
很困扰。。。
但又不能和她说。。。
我放弃，
就等于她也会放弃。
不能两个人都被打败。
至少我要坚强。

经过这次，
我觉得已经认定你了。
我要和你度过剩下的将来。
我们还有很长的路要走。
还有很多的事要做。
你所想要的婚礼，
你所想要的孩子。
你所想要的生活，
一切都还没有实现。
等你病好了，
我会很努力的让这一切实现。

快点好起来吧，
亲爱的美。
快点康复。

给那个人

2008-04-24T17:43:00.003+08:00

你不要再来想要玩弄我的人生了。。。
这么多年以来，
你都没有想要插手过，
现在你就一直一直的想要介入。
你到底在想什么？

我已经是成人了，
可以做一些自己的决定。
我不喜欢你的干扰，
所以不喜欢对你交待些什么。
我的人生路自己走，
就算走错了也只有怪我自己，
我绝不会怪你没有支持我。
因为你根本没有想过。
每次的问候，
都带着些些的虚伪与讽刺。
这是家人该对家人的方法吗？
因为是自己人所以可以每次嘲笑而不感觉到别人的感受吗？

你的缺点，
我们看在眼里。
身为一家之主，
你需要你的尊严，
你的面子。
这些我们都可以迁就，
难道你就不能迁就我们？
人都不是完美的。。。
何况是你？
为何你每次都要把自己捧到像天上有地下无般的神圣？
每次的自大，
只有让我反感。
每次的自夸，
只有让我想到你是那么的渺小。
每次的批评，
只有让我知道你的想法是多么的自私与狭小。
每次的每次让我不爽，
都是因为你的虚情假意，
让我不知道你几时是真心几时是假意。
这一切都太恐怖了。。。
一家人不是可以信赖彼此的吗？
为什么你却那么的不可信赖。。。
你几时才可以变回以前那个对大家都有着责任感的人？

看到你。。。
好想好好的对你。
毕竟是你把我带到这个世界里。
想到别人没有可以孝顺的对象，
我也很担心有一天会失去你。
但是，
每次想对你好的时候，
你一定会把事情搞砸。。。
不是我不想孝顺你。
你真的得自行思考一番。
为何家人不能真心对你。
做人不可以有偏见。
老是偏向自己，
真的让人受不了。
你说你看得多。。。
但是我的东西你不去用眼睛看，
只用你的经验来讲评就算看了吗？

活在你之下是多么的痛苦？
我不想以后我的儿子也像我这样对你。。。
我一定要做一个和你不一样的人。
我要学习。。。

我把你当长老尊敬，
请别把我当杂草处理。

怪人不知礼，知礼不怪人。

2008-04-20T16:40:00.002+08:00

好久没写部落格了。。。
美的新工作已经开始了。。。
进度还好吧。。。
希望这次不会让她再有烦恼~
美，你要加油，加油，加加油~！

好闷。。。
开始又有点点的累了。。。
也许工作时间长吧。。。

好想又再和美一起出国休息。。。
想去休息。。。

2008-03-31T19:11:00.002+08:00

累垮了。。。
原来累过头是这种感觉。。。

头晕，
目眩，
头痛（一下子是一阵阵，一下子是持续不断的。）
呕吐。

病的康复过程。。。
人时不时会胡思乱想，
感觉上就是轻飘飘般的，
走起路来感觉软弱无力，
真的感觉好像是在月球上走路。

我快要好起来了。。。

2008-03-27T13:57:00.002+08:00

很累了~~!!!!!! ('.' )
很累了~~!!!!!! ( '.')
很累了~~!!!!!! ( ._.)
很累了~~!!!!!! (._. )
很累了~~!!!!!! ( '_' )
很累了~~!!!!!! (V_V)
很累了~~!!!!!! (-_-)
很累了~~!!!!!! (@_@)
很累了~~!!!!!! (^_^)
很累了~~!!!!!! (#_%)
很累了~~!!!!!! ($_$)
很累了~~!!!!!! (*_*)
很累了~~!!!!!! (+_+)
很累了~~!!!!!! (?_?)
很累了~~!!!!!! (/_\)
很累了~~!!!!!! (~_~)
很累了~~!!!!!! (X_X)

2008-03-25T15:36:00.002+08:00

你遇到了你生命的另一个困境。。。
要离开现在的地方，
到一个让你从头开始的地方。。。
你要加油。。。

我不大会说话，
所以平时都很沉默。。。
我不想讲错话。。。
也不想让事情变复杂。
你已经够烦了。
我不想你更烦。。。

能够帮你的，
我一定帮你的。。。

2008-03-18T18:48:00.002+08:00

没钱：为钱烦
有钱：存钱难
赚钱：嫌钱少
赌钱：输钱多

钱是烦恼还是解烦恼？

宝贝，
我爱你。

2008-03-17T14:19:00.000+08:00

心情不好。。。
对她发了脾气。。。
这也许是我对她法的第一次大脾气。。。
真的觉得对不起她。。。

不知道为什么我觉得累了。。。
工作累了？
感情累了？
到底是什么累了？
我真的不知道。。。
每天都睡不醒。。。
起床都很累。。。

感觉好痛苦。。。
不想这样子。。。

也许。。。
也许我知道为什么了。。。
本来很累得我。。。
又面对起其他人问起"她"的问题。。。
还记得一问到“她”我就又逃避着不想回答。。。
我不想又得面对那时的痛苦。。。
我真的不想再去想“她”了。。。
不要再逼我了。。。
不要再逼我提起那个我已深深埋起来的痛苦。。。
不要再逼我想起当时那个我。。。

我真的累了。。。
能不能不要再提起“她”了。。。
我真得很累很累很累。。。
我只想和我现在的她好好的过。。。
我很累。。。
心神的累。。。
真的很累了。。。

对不起宝贝。。。
对你发脾气。。。
我知道我错了。。。
真的对不起。。。

2008-03-12T09:04:00.002+08:00

1．生气时常骂的字眼？
~ 鸡蛋糕！

2．有自己的i-ipod吗？
~ 穷人用的mp3而已

3.常听你诉说心事的朋友？
~ 很多人吧．．．心事不是秘密所以很多人都听过．．．比较多是美咯~!

4．你起床的闹钟声响是定在。。。？
~ 0730am

5.正在恋爱中？
~ of Course~! 小时候跟自己，长大了跟别人~

6．喜欢当被拍的那个人还是拍人的那个人？
~ 帅的时候被拍，丑的时候拍别人。所以，第二个比较多~!

7．最后看的一部电影？和谁去看？
~《功夫灌篮》，和侯玉美，我妹子还有bro去看

8．在童年朋友的名单里是否有些已经当妈妈了？
~ 都忘了。。。见到面再算有几个吧。。。

9．有人说过你是懒惰虫吗？
~ 当然~!名副其实!

10．曾式过用安眠药来让自己入眠吗？
~ 没有耶。。。

11．你是否会幼稚？
~ 非常。。。这样才好玩~!

12．在这个星期里有谁对你说过他人的秘密吗？
~ 说出来就不是秘密了。笨~!

13．你最后去STARBUCKS的时候是几时呢？
~ Tampines 的 Starbucks, 去年吧~

14．你觉得目前有人在你背后说你的闲话吗？
~ 很多吧，我很惹人讨厌~!!! 哈哈~!

15．你小时候会爱看卡通吗？
~ 现在还是很爱看~!

16．你还在和你的前男友热恋吗？
~ err... 我的前男友？-_-"

17．你觉得目前有人在暗恋你吗？
~ 不知道。。。经常让人又爱又恨。。。

18．是否拥有自己的碗碟？
~ 在家里有，但不是每次用。。。

19．曾在大众面前哭过吗？
~ 好久好久以前的事了

20．你最近有在和谁说过秘密吗？
~ 都说了秘密说出来就不是秘密了! 要问几次!?

21．是否曾经想过自己会一辈子孤单?
~ 有啊~直到遇见她之前。

22．你喜欢你的男朋友有纹身吗？
~ 男朋友? -_-" 我没有耶。。。

23．你所谓满足的睡眠时间？
~ 只要我够精神做事就好了。

24．有吃早餐的时间吗？
~ 有吧。。。

25．曾和别人发生过争执吗？
~ 好久没有了。。。

26．你相信这世上有鬼的存在吗？
~ 我看得见。问你怕了吗？！

27．有看新闻的习惯吗？
~ 一个月大概看4次吧

28．你身上的疤痕是怎么来的呢？
~ 并没有。。。

29．最后一个惹火你的人？
~ 几个笨客人

30.你最喜欢周杰伦的5首歌
~ 以父之名
~ 彩虹
~ 蜗牛
~ 暗号
~ 半岛铁盒

31．身上所戴着的两样饰物？
~ 戒指
~ 佛绳

32．两个你觉得两个人在一起最重要的事？
~ 信任与诚实

33．两样你最爱做的事情？
~ 出国
~ 赖床

34．目前你最想完成的任务？
~ 有够钱结婚还有，过下辈子

35．目前有养什么宠物吗？
~ 有，一个满大的。每天和我睡在一起。。。　呵呵~ (^.^)

36．两件你昨晚做过的事？
~ 吃了我们两个喜欢的韩国餐
~ 被催促去睡觉

37．两个你目前最想要去的地方？
~ 吉隆坡
~ 日本

38.你最喜欢的两种料理？
~ 日本
~ 韩国

39．如果明天就要死掉，那你最想做的两件事是什么呢？
~ 把肾脏捐出去
~ 告诉她我爱她

40．你包包里所装着的东西有哪几样？
~ 钱包，psp, 隐形眼镜, 一大堆纸张, mp3

41.你会用哪3个方式来发泄自己的压力？
~ 唱k
~ 大吃大喝
~ 发疯似的乱乱来

42．现在心里想着的那个人？
~ 侯玉美

2008-03-12T08:21:00.002+08:00

最近，我的她发生了蛮多不愉快的事情。。。
公司在旅游展出了状况，
工作上又出了差错。。。
好希望这一切都可以很顺利的过去。
虽然工作的差错已经解决了，
但是工作还是不愉快。。。

我明白你很辛苦。
好像让你轻松一点。。。
做工环境不愉快是很惨的一件事，
尤其是身不由己，
工作不打不行的情况下，
人又在异乡，
一定是非常辛苦吧。。。
一想到你还得养家，
真的很心疼你面对那么多的压力。
你一定要与我分担。。。

你所处在的暗处不是永远的，
照明的光芒就在不远处。
再忍耐一下下，
向前走多一段路，
就会到达了。
请咬紧牙根，（不然的话咬我的手也可以）
忍过去~！

看到妹子的部落格，
仿佛觉得最近真的忽略了她。。。
真的是做大哥的不好。。。
你整天嬉皮笑脸的处于开心状态，
真的是很难为你了。
大哥不好，
等这个月的fairs过去了，
我一定要抽抽空陪陪你~！
我们约好一天出去解放解放一下~！
一言为定哦~！

美与妹。
要坚强~
有我陪~
不要怕~
跌伤了~
擦擦药~
就过去~
别留恋~
往前看~
世界大~
天也阔~
寻安身~
有机会~！！！

嘻嘻~！很烂吧～
我语文程度不好啦～！不许笑～！

珊，
那天梦到你，
你是否还好？
希望你已完成梦想。
听你说十月要去台湾，
会尽量帮你找便宜的机票的。
加油吧你～

ｉ小姐，
最近的ｎｉｃｋ有点怪怪的。
只是鸡婆而已。
希望你的新生活一切还顺利吧～
加油读好书哦～！

又一个月了。
开始领工钱了。
虽然比较多，
但是还没有解决经济问题。。。
账单会很大，
开销也会增加。
但是过了就会好一点。
我会努力多做点工。
赚多一点钱。
这样你就不必那么辛苦了。
最近的ｔｒａｖｅｌｆａｉｒ很辛苦。
真的太多了。
多到透不过气来。
好累。。。
真的好累。。。

2008-03-06T14:32:00.005+08:00

最近的客人是不知怎么的。。。
昨天有个客人，
我们还没开门她就闯进来。。。
提早到公司就是为了吃早餐才开工。。。
谁知道那位女士，
死死都要抓着我帮她改单子。。。
如果是对我好声好气的话我为何不会开开心心的帮你改单子？
就因为你对我不礼貌，
所以我觉得你无需我用我的专业尊重态度。
听到我帮你改单过后你说的那句话，
我的火是上到头顶了~！
你说“你们一点都不professional”，
“我和Transtar定都不会这样“~！
拜托。。。
是你自己没有查好账单，
还在账单上签下名字。。。
太不负责任了吧。。。
什么借口都想得出来掩饰自己的过错。。。
最气是那句话你说得出口~！
你又没有赶时间，
改好单子了，
还看着你大摇大摆的，
慢条斯理的左右摇摆离开。。。
你没有赶时间为何又要这么紧张要改单？
害得我差点连早餐都吃不成？

过后又有一个客人。。。
明明要买5个人的车票，
开了5人1单。。。
才和我说他要分开的单子。
你们5个人都是坐同一辆车，
何必要分成3个人还有2个人的单？
麻烦我不要紧，
又不和我礼貌一点。。。
给我无理头的问题。。。
还想要偷看我的电脑。。。
真是气死我了~！

第三个客人，
看起来是个挺可爱的女生。。。
带着hazel色的隐形眼镜，
问了上海团。。。
你因为别的公司搞得你不能出团，
却跑来我的公司撒野~！
你恼羞成怒是你家的事，
为何要来这里问长问短，
还要求立刻马上知道这个知道那个，
走团是没有马上让你知道一切的。。。
也要给一点时间去confirm一切的行程~
基本常识都不懂，
还要在那里撒野LCLY~!!
真的是让我生气到~！！！

今天的客人也差不多。。。
一早上，
第一个客人就这样子。。。
明明讲着一口非常流利的英语，
还和女佣说的话语说到有slang，
给你一份英文的farelist,
还拽拽的和我说你不会看~！
你是在家里被家人宠坏的话就不要在别人面前这样子。
不是全世界的人都得像你身边的人或其他人一般对待你。
你有钱不代表全世界人得像你低头~！
真是的pampered snobbish bugger~!

真是，
法克~！
超级白~
这种愤怒，
只有身在服务业的人才会了解。。。
苦命的我们，
不被人家当人看待~！

好烦哦~！
最近的客人好烦。。。
还有金钱开销问题。。。
这个月会很缺钱用。。。
希望有别的方法赚更多钱~~~~~

____...._($_$)_...._____

2008-02-22T09:56:00.003+08:00

昨天，
去看L Change The World。
虽然不是很好看的故事情节，
但是片中许多的搞笑画面，
的确让人觉得很好笑。

但是那可怕的佳璘。。。
5 个sushi + 1个Subway (还好是6 inch)
太惊人了~！
而且还在看到片里。。。，
那些患了病毒而且全身腐烂的人。。。
一边看那些人，一边大口大口的吃。。。
到最后吃完了，还说“很好吃”。。。
好恐怖啊。。。

看到将近尾端时，
有一种坐立不安的感觉。。。
不知道为什么。。。
本来以为8。30pm会看完。
谁知道，到了9++pm才结束。
她已经到达PS.
有一种冲动想要跑出去找她。。。
但是她说别出来，看完才出来。
到现在回想起来，
有点后悔没即时跑出去。。。
看完电影，
立刻冲出去找她。
看到她第一眼就看到她有点不对劲的眼神。。。
帮她拿东西时，
一眼就看到她那受伤的中指。。。
拿开纸巾时，
看到她留了很多血。。。
立刻就觉得很生气很生气。。。
不知道是生气她不和我说，
还是要生气自己没早点出来。。。
看着她清理伤口时，
那一大块肉都去掉了，
好心痛。。。
擦着擦着，
一直听到她在喊着“很疼，很疼”
然后看到她的眼泪都留了出来。。。
真的是很心疼她。。。
在回家的路上，
很想骂她，
但是看到她那么痛，
我又不舍得骂她。。。
心有种酸酸的感觉。。。

晚上帮她包扎伤口时，
我知道我不大会包扎，
使得你的伤口很痛。
对不起，
我这个男朋友真的很不够细心，
真的很不够体贴，
真的很不温柔。。。
对不起，
没有帮上忙，
反而让你更加的辛苦。。。
啊。。。
真的是很自责。。。

看到你今天还是很疼的样子，
感到真的真的很心痛。。。
你要快点好过来。。。
明天不能陪你，
一定一定要好好的照顾自己啊~！

2008-02-20T18:48:00.002+08:00

先说声对不起。。。
不是要故意怀疑你的。。。
但是那个人真的很。。。
很。。。

嗨。。。
就是很讨厌，
那种得看人家脸色过日子的时候，
真的不好过。。。
其实我是很难过。。。
不想要你这么为难。。。
能不能不理会他们，
不去在乎他们对你的言语，
能不能别管别人？
好多的能不能。。。
但是我知道不能。。。
你受的委屈，
我心疼。
你受的委屈，
我不服。
你受的委屈，
我好想帮你挡。
你受的委屈，
好多好多的委屈，
我爱默难助。。。
真的很不高兴你被欺负。。。
不高兴我帮不上忙。。。

就是不高兴。。。
简简单单的不高兴。。。

2008-02-20T12:08:00.002+08:00

最近有点sot sot的。。。
不知道为什么。。。
言语老是疯疯癫癫。
一直有种不知为什么想要笑的感觉。。。
一直在作弄身边的人。

是我有心事吗？
还是我真的疯了？
或是我吃错什么了？
感觉好像迷失自己。。。

是在想她吗？
并没有。。。
因为，
没什么好留恋了。。。

是担心家里的事情吗？
也没可能啊~
平时我对家里都置之不理的。。。

是担心妹子吗？
该担心的都过去了啊。。。
接下来的只能从旁观注吧~

是为了一个曾经？的女孩？
不会的啦~
我这么绝情。。。

到底是为了什么？
为了宝贝？
有可能吧。。。
今天和我说她经理约她和另一个同事去吃晚餐。。。
心里是有点不开心，
但是应酬是必要的。。。
不开心是因为，
她不喜欢应酬，
她也不喜欢她的经理，
但是她又觉得推了他这么多次的预约，
很过意不去。。。
嗨。。。
她就是这样。。。
宁愿委屈自己，
也不愿意让别人失望。。。
有时很讨厌她这种态度，
但知道她如果一直拒绝她经理，
在工作的日子会不好过。。。
为什么要这样呢？
嗨。。。
为别人的期望活着的日子好难过。。。

其实很在意，
但又不好意思说。。。
要怎么和她说不喜欢她和那个人出去？
和她说过那个人是不是喜欢她，
因为他的某某小动作，
让我觉得没有安全感。。。
有和她讨论过是不是该表明立场？
但又害怕她会被责怪自作多情而已。。。
为什么我会这么的吃醋啊。。。
好害怕因为这样子而影响我和宝贝的关系。。。
真的不想有事。

好多东西一时之间涌上来。。。
昨晚睡不好。。。
梦到在office里面忙得不可开交。。。
忙自己的booking，
忙着帮别人check他们的booking。。。
忙到我很乱很乱。。。
然后，
看到同时的booking,
明明是Redang，
信封里面又有ferry ticket...
拿起一看，
Ferry Ticket 并没填好。。。
谁知道一和同事对质时，
Ferry Ticket 很神奇的又有填完。。。
好玄哦~
我翻了翻Ferry Ticket,
票上的资料又不见了。。。
好恐怖哦~
好像魔术师般的。。。

是因为太累了吗？
我以前不就是每天做full shift都没问题的？
怎么这么快就被打败了呢？
精神是有点紧张。。。
开始胡思乱想了。。。
请原谅我，
如果我说了什么难听的话。。。
如果我怀疑过你的任何感情。。。
我不想要的。。。
但是我控制不了自己。。。
我又患上了。。。
疑神疑鬼的问题了。。。

想要成为心理医生的我，
看来是无望了。。。

《-~-结-~-》

Come Back Liao Oh

2008-02-12T13:18:00.004+08:00

我回来了~
其实我星期天已经回来了。。。
嘻嘻~
我前面坐着一个uncle他拿了一堆价钱表出来，
想要去马六甲和吉隆坡的他，
做足了功课。。。
看着老人家，问了问题又记不住我回答他的答案，
不禁的担心以后的我会不会变成这样子。。。
如果我忘记了，
我会第一个忘记什么？
是我身边的人？
还是我最亲最爱的人？
还是我下一秒钟想要做的东西呢？
如果连我刚刚想到的东西都会马上忘记的话。。。
那我觉得我活的真的很惨很惨啊。。。

去了她的阿姨家一趟，
还和她的父母会面。
这是我第二次见女朋友家长了。
第一次的时候，
被“她“的父母还有阿姨警告，
不可以欺负“她”，
那时的感觉是有点无助。
没有得到“她”家人的谅解，
反而被警告。。。
其实是有种恐惧感了。
不知道这次会不会一样那样子。。。

但是事情还好。。。
没我想象中那样的恐怖。
她的家人都对我很好。
把我当成是一家人看待。
很开心最后的结果是这样子，
从小到大都是孤独一人的我，
这个独生子，
终于感到了家庭的温暖。
但是还是会不习惯，
因为毕竟没有碰过这么多人在一起的时候，
是有点不习惯的。。。
嘻嘻~
但是很开心很开心，
因为她的家人都对我很好。。。
在回家的前一天，
她和父亲起了争执。
吓了我很多跳。。。
还以为是因为不喜欢我，
因为没什么和伯父说话。。。
看到她哭着在我怀里时，
心疼了很多很多下。。。
宝贝加油~
父之言非废言，
随意不合，
但不可不从思。
凡是以沟通来解决问题是最好的。。。

明妹子回来了~！！！
很高兴看到她~
终于盼到她的归来。。。
还好我为她祈祷有起到一点点的作用，
她的团还算是蛮顺利的。
看到她去了一趟黄金海岸，
回忆几多一下~
还很流连忘返呢!!
真为她高兴，
想必你没有后悔去带这个团吧？
这一年没有和家人过的你，
一定要和家人坐下来好好的吃吃一顿饭啊。
好好的和家人聚一聚。
家里还是有温暖的。

昨晚，
她送了我一个情人节礼物。
是一个自己参预制作的太迪熊。
命名为，“司徒小美”。
哈哈！
虽然是没什么创意，
但是很温馨。。。
我们有了一个“爱的结晶”！！！
哈哈！！
爸妈，
我成家立业了！！！
哈哈！！！
笑得合不笼嘴了~
我会好好照顾这只女儿的。。。
呵呵！！

最近港星们一直受到媒体的瞩目。。。
闹了很大很大件事。。。
希望一切快快过去，
看到他们那么可怜，
不仅的有种感慨。。。
愿世界和平吧。

今天是人日~
大家生日快乐~！！！
希望全世界健健康康~！！！

留言板

2008-02-02T18:01:00.000+08:00

這幾天瞞著她，跑去弄了一對戒指。。。就是那種情侶戒，因爲我覺得我們應該有屬於我們彼此的一樣東西。我本來是想要在情人節時候才給她一個驚喜，但是，最近覺得比此間有一點點的小摩擦。。。所以，爲了鞏固彼此的感情，就把那對戒指事先亮相了。。。戒指很可愛，是由兩個戒指連在一起，裏面的戒指刻了我們兩個的名字。si * meei 是她的戒指。mag * will 是我的戒指。。。她今天會回家鄉，回去過新年。也是她勞累一年了的休息時間。。。她終于可以回家看看她的父母，還有她那非常疼愛的弟弟。每次聽到她和弟弟的搞笑事件，就覺得她好幸福，我也好想有個妹妹。。。但是，她回去了就 = 我會自己一個人。。。是有萬分的捨不得，但又知道她一定得回因爲她真的真得很久很久都沒回家。。。希望那個戒指能夠讓她不這麽想念我，讓她微微的想起我，看到它會傻傻的笑笑我們做過得好笑事情，摸著它有如和我握著手般的溫馨。。。寶貝，你回家要：小心，玩得開開心心，多給家人一點點關心，找你弟弟談談心，對我決不能擔心，過年不能夠傷心，總而言之要很開心～！

明妹子，你應該是很緊張吧。。。一天一天的逼近你帶團的日子。。。你要加油，我回來就是要給你信心的～！你有什麽不懂就問我吧，我會盡量幫忙你的。新年團應該會蠻好帶的吧。。。雖然沒有帶過，但是，每個人過年開頭都希望是好好的順順利利的。。。應該不會計較太多東西吧～加油～！！！！！！！

buuuuulllllluuuuuoooooogggggggeeeeeerrrrrr

2008-02-01T14:35:00.000+08:00

我回来了。。。回到久的公司了。。。大家都还记得我。。。也许是因为我才离开那一个月吧。。。
好几天没有动到电脑了。。。有一点生疏。。。

刚刚读了明妹子的部落格。。。觉得她好可怜。。。带团之前就有如此不愉快的事情。。。如果那时知道的话就会陪她去了。。。明妹子啊~你要加油哦~不要就这样子就被打倒了。你要快快恢复过来，带着愉快与满腹信心的心情出国。。。只要领队信心满满，团队也会开心愉快。
记得，没有不可以做到的东西，只有你不想做到的东西。所以你想做，就回去做~！干八爹了~！！！

美，你要回家了。。。到时候的我。。。嗨。。。不知道会不会寂寞。。。现在每天都有你陪，你不在这里，我一定不习惯。。。我不可以如此依赖你，我要坚强~！！！！

倒霉

2008-01-26T16:47:00.000+08:00

最近很倒霉...也不知道到底是发生什么事...

新的公司要离开之前,我的上司就在我的背后捅我几刀...她和人事部的主任说她交给我的工作全部没有做...因为我在公司是新人,而她之前有在这里作过工所以她就相信了上司说的话...那种感觉一点都不好.从来没有被人家那样子对待过...在我面前嘻皮笑脸,在我背后却...好阴险...

那件事还没过去之前,又接到了她从新西兰打来的长途电话...本来是应该很开心才对... 和她说了她在那里的状况后,她又哭了...还是一直在骂我作出了让她如此伤心的事情...我尝试坚强的忍住泪水,和她解释我不和她说的原因...但是她还是那么的任性,不去理会我说的一切...我觉得自己很烂,如此小事还做不好...到最后,还是没有解释清楚...我还是挂着千古罪人的罪名......我只想好好的和她做个朋友...

一连串的打击让我差一点儿透不过气...真的,一个人倒霉起来还真倒霉...

以为一天就要结束了,却又被通知说我的东西全部交给上司...她会说我没有做工还有什么好交代的?没关系,她不来和我取资料就算了.她还在我面前示威...说叫别人代替我做我的工作....还大大声的在我背后和其他员工说她要他们做的工作...我在一旁静静的听着...
我听了听...她吩咐他们做的东西,我全部都做过了...什么quotation啦...你跟本就是在叫他们做double job...虽然看不过去...但是别理会她那么多...

明妹子,谢谢你欢迎我回去.我会努力的~~~~

世上的人无奇不有。。。

2008-01-23T10:35:00.000+08:00

公司晚宴。。。其实有两个。。。我的新公司刚好也把晚宴设在久公司晚宴的同一天。。。我选择了去我就公司的晚宴，因为我的朋友全部都在那里。。。还有。。。要看我的明妹子穿裙子~！！！嘻嘻~！！！场面搞得非常的大，排场也搞得很棒。。。大家都以最漂亮的装扮出席了这个宴会！好多好多美女！

明妹子，你那裙子加运动鞋的装扮还是很奇怪~
大家喝酒都喝到很痛快。。。也许是因为10.45pm 过后就没有freeflow了所以大家都很拼命的喝。。。很多人都醉了。。。太多人了。。。我知道自己撑不住，几次自己到外面打电话给她向她求救。。。嘻嘻！至少我知道自己的能力到哪里也不太逞强吧。。。

我昨天刚会就公司找老板娘谈了谈。。。她欢迎我回去。。。我很高兴。。。但是，有一点后悔，当初没听她的话就跳了出来。如今自己辛苦了又到回了原点。。。失去了一些东西。。就当作教训吧。。。毕竟路是自己选择的。。。没有人逼我选择这条路。也没有任何的人能够逼任何的人选择他不想要的东西。人会做出选择，就只有是自己想要的才会去做。。。一旦自己做错了选择就要勇敢面对一切。。。当初我的朋友告诉我说叫我过来帮他的忙，搞好这间新公司，我想了想，决定放弃了那三个月花红来到新的公司。在这里我并不是不努力，而是我找不到自己。。。我选择离开。我朋友觉得对不起我，当初如果没有拉我出来我就不会这样了。可是这一切他都不需要自责，因为最后作决定的是我。我自己一个人。选择了这条路，我自己没有后悔。因为我利用了这个机会，看到了世界。我不会因为碰钉子，因为遇到不如意的事情而把结果赖在我朋友身上。如果要说笨，也是自己笨。当初自己在安全地带过着好好的生活，自己却踏了出来。朋友，我知道你需要帮忙所以我觉得牺牲时没问题的。毕竟此次牺牲并不会要我的命还是什么。=）朋友，我不曾怪过你。*hugs*

自己的错误自己要承担。。。也许这是我成熟的方面吧。。。真心面对的朋友是会有长久的友情的。朋友不是每天陪在身边才是朋友，朋友是你需要帮忙时，不需要多问，他的援手就在你身边的那种。朋友不问收获，只感受友情之间所一起经历过的每次。朋友不在于长久，而在于珍惜过每次在一起的时刻。朋友不在于多或少，而在于几个可以坦成相对。

生命自己掌控，错误自己承担，没有用别人来承担自己的错选择的必要。。。如果如此，最后只是卑鄙小人，并不能成大事。。。看开吧。。。做人心眼不能小。。。把过错赖在别人身上，只不过呈现了自己看不开，更加呈现了自己的不完美。

心中的遗憾

2008-01-18T10:25:00.000+08:00

其实到现在她还会是我心中的遗憾。。。当初答应一切都很爽快的我，如今一切承诺都已失言。。。当初他父母，阿姨都叫我好好照顾她。我答应了。。。她之前的男朋友也找过我问我对她是真心的吗？我当然是。。。坚持信念的我，已经坚持了个一年了吧。。。到最后还是。。。

新西兰那里现在应该是中午时分了吧。。。你在哪里做什么？在摘水果吗？你的梦想真的是这样吗？过去了真的会圆满你的梦想？我很佩服你的勇敢，可以跑下一切远走高飞。。。也许是因为你见过的区则比我多，看到的世界比我的大。。。还记得你有很多梦想，你要加油去完成它们。

希望你是过得好的。自己要小心哦。。。也许知道你在那里过得好我才会真正的安心吧。。。但是我又不敢问。。。只好静静的等待哪一天你亲自告诉我你真的过得很好。。。

我的病情加重了。。。（那是昨天的事情）。。。本来只是发烧头痛，可是昨天又重感冒与咳嗽。。。昨晚很辛苦才让自己睡下去。。。还好吃了版纳度，还有她那通电话。。。让我能够安心的睡下去。。。今天早上醒来，头痛与发烧没了。。。但是那烦人的感冒和咳嗽都还在。。。真是的。。。

我今天去interview希望一切顺顺利利吧。。。其实自己没有想过将来我想做什么。。。因为从来都没有盛重考虑过自己的将来，只过着走一步看一步的生活。。。嗨。。。是时候想想了吧。。。

烦人的感冒。。。

我生病了，但我会好起来。因为有你。

2008-01-16T16:36:00.000+08:00

我生病了。。。有点发热气（我在骗谁？是真的快要发烧那种）昨晚真的很不舒服。。。因为不想让她担心我，放工后不敢太快给她看到我撑不住的样子，自己到处走走消磨时间。。。其实那段时间真的很难受。快要透不过气，头又不舒服的感觉。可是真的不想让她看到我那样所以选择了让自己更加辛苦一点的办法。。。她放工时我还在死撑。。。嘻嘻~

但是，真的是幸福的~她说她煮面给我吃，起初是害怕她煮得不好因为她说她不大会煮。。。但是哪里知道，煮面是她最拿手的事情~！煮出来的面虽然我生病吃不出什么味道，但是那面真的QQ的让我吃得津津有味~好喜欢那样的面~

不只这样。。。晚上睡觉时。。。（别想歪歪了你们）她取来一盆冷水，用手巾帮我扶额头，让我快点去热。。。那一刻我真的是很感动。。。从来都没有人这么对我好，孤独了这一辈子，终于有这么一天，被父母以外的人关心。。。那一刻真的很想紧紧地抱着她，和她说“我爱你"。。。那种感动非比寻常，就很明显的一剑集中内心深处。我还在犹豫着她和她之间的不同吗？现在一切都很清楚了。。。我知道我的将来在哪里。。。我有了生命下一步的方向。。。我要让她将来幸幸福福，开开心心的~我们要走到将来，不只要走到将来，最重要是携手同行。。。这样的女朋友，就好像有了老婆一样的感觉。。。

宝贝，真的很感谢你。

我会很快好起来的。

你工作换了位子，你要加油。让那些误解你的人看到你的实力与努力~！干爸爹~！！！

wrong step

2008-01-15T15:28:00.000+08:00

haiz... i'm back... the chinese saying... Nv ren pa jia cuo lang, nan ren pa ru cuo hang... now i know the meaning... haiz... now inside wrong post inside company... there is no motivation at all to work... everyday come to work minutes late... never has that ever happened to me at old company before... but never do i know why i just do not take that little effort to want to come to work early... its just earlier den the previous company by 30 mintues and i am always 5 - 10 mintes late for work.... there really is no motivation....

i gave up my work over here... tendered... after just 2 weeks of work only... perhaps its cos the people here gives me too much pressure... but thats the only way i can learn but.. haiz... its just not as simple as that... just feel that its abit of the selfish side here... everyone's minding their own business... not helping until you show them that you need help or you ask for help... i was just too used to everyone helping each other... my Bros... those days we just helped each other serve customers here and there... those days were the best...

haiz... reason for tendering... not getting the job scope i was told i would get... tot i was gonna start to learn to do operation stuffs and products... but happens that it never happened... was pushed to handle corporate... a job where you send 1000 quotations and only tt few 2 will reply you and tell you they wanna book... worst of all the other 998 you have spent half of your day working out the quotations which you need to source from hell knows where... (yeah, i am exaggerating, just ignore me if you find me a nuisance) all those efforst almost always goes to waste... damn... hate it so much when those things happen...
if thats not bad enough? do a call centre service on top of that... all customers wanna book budget airline, they have to come down and make payment right? yeapz they go to the branch... and there goes the sales... haha~ best right?

well... her job hasn't been any better... manager is getting on her nerves with all the sarcasm he could give her... how i wish she could just leave that company now and then and move on with her life at another company.... however... due to her work perm probs not sure whether she will get taxed... but overall... financially taxing would be less taxing on her than mental taxing... seeing her always staring into space after work is what hurts me the most... she is just holding onto the hope that one day she can spark her motivation and get a boost at her work so that she can show off to her superiors... but haiz... if she has already worked hard and not gained anything... (hope u know what i mean) there are other reasons of cos, which i have not considered cos i don't see the whole picture...

both of us are facing work problems... i can't let myself focus on our relationship... its like we are being tied down by our work... but fortunately both of us do enjoy the times we are together... i really value those times seeing her laugh and smile... i hope to see it everyday.

san... she emailed me telling me those things. i have not replied till now... not sure why... just feel that i would make things worst if i replied... letting her hate me forever is not what i want... its just not me to do this kind of things... haiz... i'm still tied down with guilt whenever i'm reminded of her by things.... arh... when am i able to get off of this road....

can't type chinese cause boss around... hehe... anyway.. wish me luck in finding new job... i'm out of money... bank only left with 30++ haiz... phone bill come le... dun dare open... wish FS will quickly release my cheque... i need money now... haiz...

san, if u read this... the money pls keep first... i know you will return me when u come back... dun make your life there harder without extra money to bring you through... who am i kidding... she never reads my blog... haiz... nvm...

New Life? seems not...

2008-01-11T13:51:00.000+08:00

finally manage to settle down abit in my new work environment... but still haiz... some things are just not as perfect as previous company. afterall, this company is still quite young... still maturing i guess... how much youth it will take for me and my colleagues to make this company mature is still yet to be known... so much to do... so little things i can do...
the old company is good much more interaction... now i know how the operations feel daily... minding own business is enough to keep themselves busy for the whole day long... its a wonder why they all get tired so easily...

this environment is quite nice just that everyone does their own things, interaction only after work... so bored... but every high post staff here is trying to go in their own way... somehow feel that i don't fit in... haiz... wonder why... am i too used to being pampered with life at old company... doubts doubts and more doubts... well just do what i can here ba... afterall the pay is not much to carry me through...

making plans to go on overseas trip at least for this year ba...
- Redang (priority)
- Hokkaido + Universal Studio (perhaps by end of year)
- Taiwan (the place she likes so very much and me, still yet to go)
- Hongkong (perhaps... did not enjoy last time with all the typhoon going around)
- KL (another visit to the faithful place i've been so many times)
- Genting? (for some cooling ba)

in future travel plans?
- Europe (Switzerland?Spain?Italy?France?)
- New Zealand
- Australia

My wish to get a driving license by this year maybe on hold ba... but i really wish i can learn how to drive at least... haiz... no car for me to drive either so no push for myself to go and learn...

she emailed me on the 6th... telling me how much i have hurt her by doing what i did, not telling her that i m with someone else... letting her know from someone else telling her... i did not want all these to happen... sometimes i wish she will put herself more in my shoes and think about why i am doing all these... its not to really hurt her, but to let her have a better mood to start the hardship she is going to face in the future... i am not sure how it all turned out to be like that... her email did hurt me too... tears rolled in my eyes... the heat going up my face... the heart breaking feeling... she wrote "why you say you to me is responsible? i don't need you responsible to me! i can responsible to myself!" this sentence really broke my heart... this was not what i meant... it was just a facade to cover up for putting down a relationship that i have kept and maintained with all my heart for over a year... but still she did not see through its cover... thats what put the nail in the coffin... i just dunnoe what to do... did not reply her email... becos if shes still feeling so rash, whatever reason i tell her is for will only become an excuse to her... i know i hurt you, san, but have you ever thought of how i felt having to do this kind of things to you? i guess not... cos from what you said... haiz... stop blaming u le ba... it ain't your fault either... but really wish that our 1 year is not wasted... this 1 year relationship and yet you still do not understand me...
if she had asked me not to break up, i would have considered... but she just never came back and told me she wanted to be together again... the times we have broken up, it was always me to go and make her stay... how i wish for once she had done so... that would have really brought our rls to the next level... but that day never did came and i somehow felt it was time to let go... so... haiz... just wish that you will do well at NZ... i just hope that you can forget me, the person who have hurt you so much and lead a carefree life you have always sought for~

you know that i've found someone who really is good for me and i really love, i hope you do too.
Mei, i will be strong... this is what i have to face since everything turned out this way... i will find the path to stay on track and keep moving forward, do not worry about me~

无言

2008-01-03T10:41:00.000+08:00

新的公司。。。
新的生活。。。
还不习惯。。。
这里的做法。。。
我不可以放弃。。。
我要坚强。。。
我不能气馁。。。
我有美支持我。。。
不敢写太多。。。
就到这里吧。。。

至少还有收音机可以听。。。

我会习惯的。。。

明明。。。
好好照顾自己。。。
在旧公司里大哥最不放心你了。。。
要照顾自己啊。

原來。。。

2007-12-31T17:03:00.000+08:00

原來。。。

2007 年的遺憾。
原來，我沒有好好得分手。
原來，隱瞞並不是最好的逃避。
原來，我給予她如此大的傷害。
原來，我並不是一個好的愛人。
原來，我對她的承諾一個也沒有實現。
原來，我是這麽的狠心。
原來，我並不是我想象中那麽堅強。
原來，我只是爲了自己好而沒有顧慮到她的感受。
原來，我做的一切都是錯的。
原來，我的想法不是都對的。
原來，她是這麽的在意我怎麽對她。
原來，我是不適合談成熟的戀愛的人。
原來，我的信心只是表面般的堅強。
原來，内心根本一點都抵擋不了任何傷害。

原來，有這麽多的原來。
珊，對不起。。。我不是你最應該愛的人。
我想送妳的飛機，不是想要羞辱妳。
只是想完成我未完成的承諾。
只是想讓妳安心的離去。
隱瞞不是我的藉口。
只是不想讓妳難受。
妳不會原諒我。
我也不求妳原諒，畢竟錯的真的是我。
送妳的飛機只是我想讓我安撫心情的方法。
看到妳能夠安心的離開是我唯一想要的。
我不知道是誰告訴妳我和她的事情，
但是那已經不重要。
重要的是我隱瞞了妳。
不讓妳知道我已跟別人一起。
妳沒有錯。
因爲，錯的是我。

對不起。。。。

最最最最最後的一天

2007-12-31T12:08:00.000+08:00

今天是最後一天。

今年的最後一天。
這個月的最後一天。
這份工作的最後一天。
但是它是這個星期的第一天。
好奇怪。。。
明明就最後一天卻又是另一個的開始。
不管怎樣，還是最後一天啊。
今天也是她在亞洲國家的最後一天。
她即將飛往新西蘭，開始她的假期工作。
昨天和她通過電話。
她在電話裏還是很逞強。
聽到她在哭的那個聲音，心有一點軟了。
可是聽到她那個小孩子的想法又呈現出來，
不禁有的感覺是，生氣與氣餒。。。
當初離開她就是想要她學習堅強，可是孩子氣始終是孩子氣。
江山始終難移。在這裏，只能希望她到那裏回過的好好的。

昨天因爲和她通了電話，感覺到另一個她有點不開心。
我不是想要在妳面前表現到我跟她還有什麽。
因爲我跟她什麽都沒有了。
我只想她在離開前，不要帶著傷心的心情離開。
因爲她需要的是一個正確的心情她才能夠在那裏堅強的過者。
希望妳來了解。不要每次我和她通過電話后，妳就給我一臉沒信心的樣子。
我和妳說過，不要懷疑我們的愛，因爲我已經把妳當作我自己一般的看待。
妳已經是我生活的一部分了。。。
我們很多時候都心照不宣。
不知道是性格太相似還是真的想法太一致。
很炫很炫。。。
每次想到的東西，妳也會想到。
每次想說的東西，妳也會說出同樣的話語。
每次看到的東西，你也會看到。
這不像是巧合，因爲它太多時候都相像。

瞧我說到哪裏去了。。。
今天是最後一天嘛，哈哈~
我知道會有不捨得我的人。
也會有恨不得我快點走的人。
總而言之，我要走了。
你們也不必為我擔心或想太多吧。
因爲我走了對大家都好。
依賴我的可以學習自己照顧自己。
討厭我的，可以少一個眼中釘。
我的好同事閒朋友們，你們只不過離我不遠而已。
就一同簡訊，sms，email，省直電話，也可以聯絡到我。
我並不是消失人間。我們還是可以保持聯絡。除非你們選擇忘記我。
我今天不想看到人哭。。。
我不值得你們的眼淚浪費在我身上。
大家都不許哭。不許傷心。大家要為我開心。

哎呀。。。我還真的好多東西要搬走耶。
三年了的抽屜，是滿到~~~
好多大家帶團回來送的鎖匙扣等等小東西。
這裡的回憶多，畢竟我在這裡已經有1000+天了吧。。。
會想念這裡。
會想念座位。
會想念同事。
會想念老闆。
會想念電腦。
會想念所有在分行度過的生日。
好多同事一起慶祝。
大家一起在繁忙時候，忙裏偷閒的逞生日時小休一下。
那種感覺是挺好的。我會回頭看那些日子。不會輕易的忘記它。

這些都會是我最珍貴的回憶。
同事，公司，老闆，客人，座位。
保重了大家。

坏习惯

2007-12-28T10:04:00.000+08:00

人人都有坏习惯。。。我有，你有，他们也会有。。。

我觉得我有许多的坏习惯。。。哈哈~有一些还是很多人不知晓的吧。。。

喜欢打喷嚏的时候打的大大声的。
喜欢在厕所待个半小时以上，只为了有私人空间可以专心想东西。
把自己的欢乐寄托在别人的痛苦上。
抓别人的语病却不喜欢被别人抓。
当心情不好时，喜欢大吃大喝，借着吃东西来发泄。。。
不然就是乱乱花钱买一大堆东西然后丢在一旁不去收拾。。。（很像女人?有一点吧。。。谁说男人就不能shopping？）
在人群中放暗屁，在家里放响屁~ 哈哈~!拜托，很多人都这样的吧。。。
跟人讲话时，除非是自己喜欢的人，不然眼睛会一直看着别边，尤其是当有美女走过时。。。
不喜欢用纸巾擦汗，因为会留下纸巾在脸上。
一碰到热天气就会流很多很多汗，然后就跑到aircon的地方去躲。。。

有好多好多啊。。。还没写完的。。。也许想到了再加下去吧。。。

就写到这里。。。

心情不好的一天。。。是人累了？还是被人累了。。。？

2007-12-27T17:37:00.000+08:00

刚刚和她通过msn联系了一下。。。“时间会让我成长，我会坚持下去!虽然痛，可是我还会撑下去的!" 是她的nick...

看到这样的nick，不知道为什么心里就是有一种不能解释的感觉。。。就也许。。。也许是我觉得我还是对不起她吧。，，

美，我知道你看到这个你一定会又对我们之间失去信心。。。真的对不起。。。但是你不需要担心。因为这只是一时的感受。。。

我不会让它影响我们的感情的~ 我向你保证!!!

说回来。。。跟她谈话的时候可以感受到她一直很坚强的在强忍着。。。

我不想说了。。。心情给影响到坏透了。。。不想要说任何人的坏话，因为我珍惜友情。不想对别人残忍，因为我不舍得让朋友受伤。朋友我是会珍惜的。可是，朋友一旦做了让我不开心的事情，我会选择让事情过去而不让事情一直的浮现。。。这是我认为，成熟的面对方式吧。。。

珊，我真的希望你快乐，而不是活在（我也说不上）我知道我说什么对不起也是没有用的。。。我给于你的伤害，我自己也知道多深，只不过一直压抑着。我知道你现在不能马上开心，也很想跟我说。。。我不能对你说什么因为只会带给你跟多的伤害。。。我现在找到了自己的幸福，希望你也能够找到你自己的归宿。。。跟你说话时，不仅眼泪会泛泪，但是我知道我不可以哭因为这是我选择的路。。。希望你会好起来，毕竟你要出国了。你买了的字典，记得去读，不要浪费你在那里的时间。希望你回来了会看到一个成熟的你。。。

好烦啊!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

很想打人发泄一下下。。。也许明天就不来上班了。反正我的leave 还有。。。因为某件事情而失去工作信念是不是会太幼稚。。。我得慎重考虑。。。

day is coming soon

2007-12-26T13:41:00.000+08:00

圣诞节过了，最后一天即将降临。。。

新加坡的圣诞节真的有点闷，倒数的人潮一点也不群体，而且倒数完了就走人。。。气氛真的很差很差。也许是因为在克拉码头倒数吧。。。那里的人都比较没什么。。。

我有一点在意一些东西，可是怕说出来会伤和气。。。咳。。。还是别说吧。。。

今天是他弟弟的生日，愿他弟弟快快学成归来，身体健康，快快乐乐~

我要努力赚大钱，因为明年我想要去很多很多地方。。。
1) Batam
2) Redang
3) Taiwan
4) Hokkaido
5) Maybe HongKong or Malaysia

很难相信我在这间公司三年时间，一次也没去过台湾。。。其实是有机会的。只不过我推了几次。。。也许不是我想要带团去的地方，而是想要自己身为游客的身份去的地方~ 很久很久没有身为游客参加团队出国了。。。好想念那种感觉.

過了很開心的幾天

2007-12-24T10:13:00.000+08:00

天啊。。。真是的。。。怎麽可能會發生這種事情？太驚天動地了啊。。。

我。。。

我。。。。

我。。。。。

我。。。。。。

我又浪漫了。。。*害羞* (=^.^=)
我趁她要回家時，送她到地鐵后，跑去買了她的聖誕禮物。。。
我想不到一個好的時機送給她，也不知道要包起來還是不要包。。。

不好意思寶貝，我沒有好好的把禮物包起來再送給你。。。可是我想那種呈現方係的送法，你應該會蠻喜歡的吧。。。
我記得妳說要有驚喜的聖誕節禮物，所以。。。嘻嘻~!!

真的希望妳會喜歡那個我送妳的東西~！！！雖然不算什麽但是它代表了我的一番心意，我們的第一個聖誕節，第一份正式送妳的禮物，第一次對妳表現我的浪漫，第一次做的傻傻的事，第一次。。。太多了，說不完~

看到妳和我父親那麽談得來，心裏也放心了許多。。。可是，想到將來要輪到我面對妳的父母，還有那個生日要到了的偉生，我不禁會緊張許多。。。但是，我知道妳會站在我這邊，就像我站在妳旁邊面對我父母一樣~所以我也就告訴我自己，不要害怕~！！

還有，明明啊。。。妳又發生了什麽事情？爲什麽這麽想？妳需要一段時間休息吧,坐下來好好想想。。。一個人迷失了是不能馬上找回自己，妳需要時間和協助，不要緊張或慌張，如果需要的話，我可以坐下和妳慢慢談啊？聖誕節要到了，要開心哦~*擁抱*

你最好注意，
你最好不哭，
你最好別叫，
我告訴你爲什麽。
聖誕老人到鎮來~！！

哈哈~！很lame leh~!!!

我沒有買到聖誕禮物喔。。。真是的。。。season of giving 變成了 season of receiving only...　今年的聖誕我不乖。。。收到禮物卻沒有送禮物。。。不知道我怎麽辦。。。

我的銀行也沒有多少錢了不知道接下來的日子要怎麽過。。。haiz...

老闆娘要出國了。。。不知道又會受到“那個女人”怎樣的欺負。。。很擔心這個分行的同事，被“她”折磨到怎樣。。。好可怕。。。每次老闆娘一出囯“她”就來發威，真的好可怕的“女人”~大家要小心~

leaving

2007-12-22T11:40:00.000+08:00

i'm going to leave le oh... this company which i served 3 years liaoz... ever since Sep 2005... slogged my life out here... so much sweat and hard work gone into this company.

started out as a blur blur center parting gong gong boy... haha, Ms Charlie is a witness to that~ those specs and blurred looks that i held were way past my life... those days are gone~ haha! well, have learnt quite alot about this trade from this company, really benefitted from working at travel line, can see abit of every country and most importantly, long working hours to keep me away from home and spending relentlessly when i'm outside... not a big saver... not thrifty at all... thats one of my worst cons... how am i gonna get married in the future~? gonna start saving...

leaving this company is not easy...
1) boss is really good, understanding and such although always thinks on her side... (but what to do~? its family business lehz)
2) the colleagues... we have all bonded (no~! not that way u dirty thinking ppl) in one way or another, no matter whether you have only been here for a week, a few months or a few years... we are all friends, at work and at play... we have seen each other's crazy looks before, we have had good times, have had bad times, but bad times were never mentioned at the end of the day. seems like i put a long paragraph for this part haha~! those 3 DnD's that i have gone to... those crazy times~ really hope i can join you guys for this years, cos this batch is the batch whereby you guys have last longest~ =) we will still be friends i believe, do not worry as natural bonds don't break easily!!!!
3) do take care the following ppl :
Yvonne - my dearest da jie, i know you work really hard, we can see that from your sales... but you must also be careful in your work, i won't be there in front of you to assist you in your work, so i hope you can find someone else to be there for you. I've seen you sad before, for your ah lau during those hard times... really feel sad for you, seeing you cry. but those days are over and i wish you all the best in your future... wo zhen de fang bu xia ni zhe ge da jie~
Charlie - i know you like to lead a carefree life "jing shui bu fan he shui" that kind of thinking suits you the best... but one cannot just stop there, i know you don't want to be outstanding, your just want to mix into the crowd... but deep down in you there is that part of you that is outstanding, waiting for you to make it wake up. till that day happens, you must take care of yourself oh~
Minghuey - Ming ming arh ming ming, hehe~ or should call you Li Da Nai~! you are the 2nd one i fang bu xia de... although we know each other less than a year, from the day you started to join, have looked upon you like a good sister... don't want you to fall too hard and yet don't want to always have to support your. let you walk your way unless you are going to get lost den will i ever intervene... i know you feel tricked or bluffed by me when at that moment when you wanted to quit, i made you stay... i know that kind of feeling, but den, you had not a good plan before you chose to leave and at that moment i was afraid you were just too rash... but now after you have gone on a tour leading trip to Hokkaido, one of the tour that our branch really wished could get fell to you, i believe you have seen the world, you have seen how big the world is out there... you would have also cooled off abit therefore, your future decision i will respect if i feel is the best for you. but den, make sure you are happy with that decision cos it will change your life totally~ do take care, i'm not around to keep an eye on you.
Agnes, Jialing - time to grow up oh~ although you two are experience at this field le, what i mean is in life... your two have reached the age to start maturing/matured... so look forward... i know you two are fortunate to have good families of your own, but that doesn't mean you two can rely on them till old age... learn to be strong and not ignorant... to be tactful and not relentless... things are on going daily and not stagnant. things can never stay in place forever~ =)
Edwin & Denis (the brothers & bro) - you guys also slogged it out for this branch but never really got recognized... made lots of friends in this company i believe, our branch and other branches~ really enjoyed those times we had drank our hearts out~ haha~ esp ed, the 1st DnD, drank our hearts out and we went crazy at CQ... haha~ you guys i don't hafta worry, cos you guys have big plans ahead of you~! but do take care of yourselves anyway... dun wanna be wishy washy... even mushy... i will start vomitting...
Winston Loo - the ever blur... dear colleagues i seek your help to really look after him... he needs your help in every sector... he can really get on your nerves... but he does learn fast... just needs assurance... its the confidence in you that he seeks to set his heart at ease, not that he wants to ask and ask... he just needs to find that safe spot which is the reassurance~

To be continued... go and fix my computer first... haha~!
Ok fixed~!!! haha~! Continued....

well... there are others apart from my branch....
Evelin - my 2nd sister, with her crazy laughters~ well... kiap kiap is her Kou Tou Chan now... haha never got to understand what it ever means but well its useful enough to communicate with her~ haha will miss those days asking you to amend receipts and amending bookings for you~ haha! hope you take care of yourself also... i still can give you whatever advise you need through msn however i find that not all my advise you will use so... haha well you have the final say oh~ i hope you find someone of your dreams to be with you from now on~~~
HueyShan - Starcruise my dear, is one of the best products i love to sell~ haha~! all those bookings had almost 0% cork up which is everybody's favourite~ thanks for the gifts that you always can get and erm... your Roches never did reach me... not sure where they went though haha~!
Janet & Ivy - m'sia's experts... well... we started off not knowing each other but when we finally knew, you gals did take quite good care of me wor~ hehe~! really thanks to you gals for looking after me during my stay in FS~
Suk Fen & Iris - well the two "Lao Ku Gong Gao" voucher issuers~ they have to face tons of bookings daily, check everything, issue the vouchers and intercom staffs of what is wrong... i understand all the pressure that comes to you gals, hope you gals can find great Man Zu Gan in your work because you two really helped alot of people with finding the mistakes made~ hope you two will do well in your work in future and well "sorry" i can't be around to assist to amend those bookings~ well this kind of things other ppl can assist you~! hehe~!

enough abt work~
well... 美, you erm... guess i have never seen my dad talked so much about himself for a very long time... when was the last time he really talked like though he is chatting with a friend... it was like 10+ years since den ba... think he really likes to talk to you~ haha *envious* well no worries abt my mum, shes not hard to get along with, just that shes tired from working all day long... i'm glad to have you around cos somehow i know you will be the one to really pull together my rls with my parents~ I'm really grateful to have you around~ seriously!!! i was really happy to see my dad talk about his good old days apart from the usual nagging and complaining... (eh y am i typing english when my comp is fixed~? dang... ) i know you miss your parents and your sheng's bday is coming... i wish you can celebrate with them this year but den i know thats almost impossible... but pls do not worry, i know they still can feel you around them all the time~ i will be here to celebrate with you for today 冬至 but too bad no glutinous rice balls... hehe~! thanks for your wishes although there is really nobody who makes wishes during Dong Zhi... haha~! anyway.. like you said, you make the rules~!!! well everyone can start wishing now loh~ and your 4 wishes... they all have subwishes... so Jiao Hua arh you... its like : eg.
(i wish for a big house, inside have Gold Tap, Gold Bathtub, A Husky to watch the House, Unlimited Money, Unlimited Alcohol, Huge Swimming Pool, Basketball Court, Alot of Butlers, Sumptous meals... its just one wish only, for this house...) hahah~!!! 不是很好笑嗎？
你就是這麽的可愛~

ming ming, i really hope you can step away from your inner problems and really let yourself enjoy the world out there... you say you don't like to be the leading actress, only the supporting actress, but den, supporting actresses also have their days of leading the scene~ do not be afraid to step out of your circle as there are still plenty of things to discover outside of your comfort zone... done be afraid to step out, it maybe hard, you may fall... but do not worry, your comfort zone will never leave you, it will be there for you as a firm, strong backing that you always will have~ "to cry, is to let go of frustration" tears do not come easily? not neccessary... ai mian zi? what excuse is that... cry your hearts out is good, that is a relieve... cry when you need to, cry when you wish to.... that is a privilege for girls, which you must learn to accept oh~ you can never become a boy, you have a roots of a girl~ don't make me make you wear skirt haha~!

ok ok end my post here... Selamat Dong Zhi Festival~!!!

給明慧寫的

2007-12-19T15:35:00.000+08:00

這個entry是寫給一個女孩，叫明慧。。。
明慧這個名字，很普通吧。
可是這個女孩一點都不簡單。。。
明 :　明明知道自己心酸，
慧 :　卻用智慧來掩飾。
都說了不簡單了嘛。。。可惜那種死撐的樣子，誰看了都會不贊同啊。
每次每次看到你的快樂／笑容，雖然讓人看起來很真。但是也許是我看人看得多吧，
笑容裏永遠都有一種壓抑著的憂傷感。。。
發自内心的笑，也許現在拿了假期到遠方去旅行。。。
但是，它還是會回到你臉上的。
我和美，看到你哭的時候都會為你傷心。
我們每次都分擔不了你那種悲傷。
我們沒有遇到你面對的事實，是因爲這樣所以你不想，不敢，不願和我們分享你内心的痛駡？
或許我們會不明白哪一種痛楚的感覺，但是我們明白的是，你是我們很在意的一個朋友。。。
看完了你的部落格，感觸良多。
也知道他是無法替代的事實。
你沒有必要把他忘記，畢竟它是你這一輩子最應該永遠記得的回憶。
你可以一直的記得他的從前，但是你不能讓它成爲你將來的拖累。。。
記得他，想念他，這一切都是正常的只要是人都會這麽做。
很明顯可以看到你面對這件事情已經很堅強了，
我們身為朋友的，很希望你能在我們面前放下那強硬的一面，讓你的内心踏出來透透氣。
你不能永遠把自己藏起來，不讓關心你的人來關心你。
你為我們的復出，無謂的就是想看到我們不會落到你的這個地步。
你的用心我們深深感受到，雖然不說，但是一切都心照不宣。
可是，你一直只想把自己藏起來，我們卻一直想把你帶出你的陰影，這個拉鋸戰只會讓我們都兩敗俱傷。
你可以阻止自己不讓別人踏進你的世界，但是你不能阻止我們的堅持與努力把你從你的世界裏拉出來。
（有點怪怪的，聼起來不順。）
希望你到頭來會明白我的用心。我們不想逼你。要踏出來第一步，一定要你自己有所準備與願意才做得到。
我們在另一邊等著你的到來。我們不會離開。因爲我們是你的朋友。
就請你讓我們分擔一下你所有的一切。。。　你是個好朋友。
不是簡單的好朋友。就是那種，兩肋插刀，在所不辭的好好好好好好朋友。
快快走出黑暗吧。。。

我還在等。。。

我再等。。。

我一直等。。。

我還是要等。。。

等不到？還是會等。。。。

快點啊。。。我還在等噢～！

2007-12-19T14:39:00.000+08:00

*yawns* a hectic week had past... this new week has begun... the chalet had alot of happenings... me n her... we improved our rls. somebody got her wish and is together with who she has been in loved with all along~

san has finally sms-ed me and i saw her for awhile yesterday. she has slimmed down quite abit, told me she is training up for her NZ trip. been running and excercising those kind of things, but deep down i can see that her slimming down is abit on the unhealthy side, abit pale in the face and less round around the edges... well at least she is doing quite ok ba, just that her character has not changed abit... still with that wishful thinking that everything is alright... just really hope she will show me that she is grown up... at least in front of me... i know she is strong deep down but den... shes just not that strong when time needs her to be. Do take care when you are over there is all i can say to her now...

well... me and mei, we are working out quite fine i think. quite happy with the times we are together. every time spent is memorable and our first movies was Alvin & The Chipmunks, so farnie we laughed our hearts out despite being very tired over the night spent at chalet... sorry we had to take MC, we just had to have time together for that day. i get alot of feedback from friends that its all too fast and just unfair to san but den, its a feeling that i can't deny that mei is that person that i want... its not that i want to rush, just that the moment was really right to be together... we will prove to you all that our start was never a mistake ba... in time to come i hope...

well 2day wanted to tell ms A tt her "jia po" came to office but in the end received news that her mum actually had fits and hit her head hard. pray that her mum is alright, Ms A, you must be strong oh, use this change to learn to become strong and start facing the real world~ we as friends can only do our best to pray everything is alright.

and that ms JL, pls stop over reacting about your Mr GC FINALLY getting his album out... the Jay Chou Frenzy is not yet over and its always a truth that Nicky Lee got the award other that mr GC... over reaction from ms JL haha~ really farnie, she just cant stop talking about the album Sunshine or something... hope its a nice album, if not its gonna be as lame as the title sounds... haha~!

kk... wanna end here le... cos work is piling up and i dun have much time to settle all the things here... will be leaving 31st Dec... hope everythings gonna remain the same without me at this branch... its been a wonderful 3 years here... but den... my dream lies somewhere else... not here repeating my daily job day in day out... well... let me step out of this comfort zone for awhile... its definitely a relax place to work, and the work relationships with colleagues is the best one can get... everyone's everyones friends... thats all you need, all to be united as one~ you all will definitely blossom, but you guys must do it without me from now on~ you guys do do do do do take good care and don't cork up so much bookings, your manager is hard on his work to handle all those things, i understand his work load, i've been there, done that and left that post... its damn hard work oh... slog for shit and just get a lil reward~

thats all bye~ and erm Hari Raya Haji~!

傻傻分不清楚

2007-12-15T09:45:00.000+08:00

today is a new day... her problem has been resolved... listening to Nicky Lee's Jie Tuo, alot of thoughts running through my head... i'm still thinking of how san is, having left her at the worst time in her life, still feeling bad... Even though I am to begin something new... but i think only until i know shes doing fine and when shes settled down over there then i guess i will be able to focus myself...

Sorry, i can't fully immerse myself into our current rls... i am trying my hardest to do my very best at every time we spent together... but that something still deeply weighs down on me... I will try hard i promise you, I am sorry if i do ever hurt any of you both, i guess its my indecisiveness that caused all of these chain reactions to happen.

yesterday i could not draw anything, not because of the crowd... its because my mind wasn't with me... theres too much running through my head, which i don't want to tell you, sorry i lied when i promised to tell the truth...

Hope you like the Collection Bears that i bought you yesterday, Both of them have basketball faces~! which you and i both liked~ i know u want me to have one... but i know you like them more so i rather you take both den to separate them~ hehe too bad they don't make ones that wear basketball jerseys... i will work hard to find don't worry, you will own one, one of these days to come.

Mood : Confused
Eyes : Tired from wearing Contact Lens, So Wearing Specs. (i never feel comfortable wearing specs, looking geekish)
Energy Level : should be higher at end of day, cos tmr going for chalet~!!! (can BBQ, cook cook cook cook & cook!!)
Working Attitude : pls don't balme me for being lazy nowadays, i have no more mood to work here... guess its cos of the hectic things around me... but i will try my best to serve as many customers as possible... afterall there are all but very limited places available to sell nowadays...

i'm still excited about the chalet... because i believe we can play bball there... thats the most important thing of all~ hehe!!!

am i a jinx?

2007-12-14T12:34:00.000+08:00

is it me? I'm not sure... tot that all these will be a new start... however, shes facing visa problems in singapore already... one month plus le and her company have not issued her a proper work permit... haiz... if she can't get her work permit by today, she will have to leave the country and can only be back earliest 06th Jan 2008... haiz~ how to say... sad? but cannot show her that I am sad... if i'm defeated, how will she feel? shes the one who is facing all these problems and yet have no way around it... i must show her that i am strong and around to support her~ (",)... but the tot of her leaving... just when we are starting... is definitely hurting... especially caused she spent so much time comforting me and not enough time to settle her own stuff... i'm feeling bad... real bad... those plans colleagues made in days to come, now cannot include her... how can such a nice person meet with such things... this is so unfair, *** its not your fault... pls do not be defeated by all these, you can pull through it one, do not worry. (",)

i hope the drawings that i drew can let your have something to refer to... pls do not be sad anymore... i wish you can really get your work permit by today and can stay on in singapore... sorry if i give you too much pressure... as i really do not wish for your to be leaving at a moment like this...

Song of the Day :

爱永远都是难题
失去分寸太容易
谁都是凡人不够小心翼翼
有时候忘了珍惜
伤害来的太无意
有时爱太急需要空间呼吸
争吵愈狠痛愈深刻
然后不断自责
我们都忘了最初的快乐
拥抱越紧痛愈深刻
谁不会舍不得
现在我给的或许并不是你要的
如果分离是唯一的解脱
最后的话我来说
如果永远你不必再难过
遗憾让我来过
就算过去的回忆太脆弱连未来也没有我
爱着你仍是我的执着
让你哭泣对不起为了爱承受委屈
说过的承诺其实还没忘记
愈是在乎的关系愈是相处不容易
伤害了你我也失去勇气
争吵愈狠痛愈深刻然后不断自责
我们都忘了最初的快乐
拥抱越紧痛愈深刻
谁不会舍不得
现在我给的或许并不是你要的
如果分离是唯一的解脱最后的话
我来说
如果永远你不必再难过遗憾让我来过
就算过去的回忆太脆弱连未来也没有我
爱着你仍是我的执着
走到感情关键时候却握不住你的手
还能有什么藉口让爱再回头
多少的爱说不出口
就让时间帮我说话我一个人拼命
挣扎总比两个人一起难过还好吧
如果分离是唯一的解脱
最后的话我来说
如果永远你不必再难过
遗憾让我来过
就算过去的回忆太脆弱
连未来也没有我
爱着你仍是我的执着
爱着你唯一的解脱

撿起自己，往前看去。

2007-12-13T12:21:00.000+08:00

在現在的我，已經是渡過風雨時期的我吧。

珊，我知道妳不想讓我知道妳現在如何。但是，我還是很想知道妳的進展，尤其是妳要飛離妳自己所屬於的窩。真的希望妳會好好過日子。到那裏記得要照顧好自己，畢竟那裏沒有妳的朋友。請原諒我從來沒有想過要和妳一起過去，因爲那不是我想要的生活。就此我覺得我們真的是抱著不同夢想的人，妳尋求的自由我給不到。所以我選擇了放手。有好幾次是我挽留妳，因爲我覺得還有希望。但是希望越來越薄弱，我的心也累了。。。

有人告訴過我，“你撐了那麽久才來説放棄，這個不像我認識的你。難道你沒有不捨得嗎？你有想清楚嗎？”提出分手的我，第一天非常非常的傷心。。。身邊的人，我不知道怎麽告訴他們我和珊的事情，只能回答“我不知道，她沒和我聯絡了，也許忙著要出國的準備。”每當我這樣子回復他們，心中一冷，不盡想起當初做出的決定是否對還是錯。原來分手心一定要狠。。。不然傷的還是自己和彼此的感情。。。

其實，現在也是時候讓大家知道了吧。。。有一個人的存在，這個人讓我從分手的失落感從新拾回自己。請大家不要誤會，並不是因爲她的出現我才想要分手的。之前與珊的愛情，都擁有著一種包容與等待幸福的感覺。。。可是呢，跟她在一起時，幸福的感覺是一直環繞在我們生邊。這種感覺很好，也許這是我一直尋找的感覺。。。那種有人陪，當兩人在一起時，彼此都是彼此關注的中心。有種心照不宣的好感，只要兩人在一起時，別的東西打擾手裏還是緊握著對方的手。你們應該會認爲我在做比較吧，但是我是把我和珊的感情與這個人的感情分開的想。你們會說我很可笑吧，明明就很明顯在做比較可是卻一直抵賴。。。哈哈~我不多說了吧。。。越瞄越黑。。。

但是，想讓她知道，跟妳在一起感覺真的真得很好。眼前的路會很辛苦，只要努力，過了前方的山，就是光明的路。。。我知道你思鄉的心情很沉重，我只能在妳身邊讓妳不去想這麽多。我沒辦法代替妳家人給妳的愛，但是我相信在你身邊給妳的愛，能暫時緩和妳思鄉的情懷。。。記得，這路上，不是只有妳一個人走。我會在妳的左右。只要妳不怕我跟的太緊，我會緊緊地跟著妳，不讓妳有跌倒的機會。對於妳工作的問題，既然妳已做好決定要留在這間公司，就不要讓任何的事情再去動搖妳的信念。不對就要去改，不可以一錯再錯了。。。

我畫的畫不好看，對不起。。。嘻嘻~！

對不起，珊。。。

2007-12-11T09:24:00.000+08:00

昨天是她在這裡工作的最後一天。在繁忙的一天的結束后，我還為她帶來了如此深的傷痛。這不是我想要得結束方式。就算她表現得很堅強，背後還是感覺得到那深深的傷痕隱隱作痛。我不能說我也不是。寫那封信時的感覺是很心傷的啊。從來沒有分手過的我，終于提出了分手。就在她最需要我的時候我卻選擇離開，這不是我該做得可是我卻做了。。。

現在往回看，回憶似乎如排山倒海般的浮現在眼前。有種感覺告訴我“你做錯了，可是這是你必須作的事情。不要再讓你的執迷不悟讓兩個人努力撐到沒有結果的時候。這樣對彼此都不公平。”我對她的感覺雖然是變淡了，可是以一個曾經愛過的人還是會為她擔心留戀。請原諒我的不捨得因爲我很責備自己沒有用到更好的辦法與你分手。我曾經答應過妳要陪妳到妳離開到新西蘭才告別，但是我沒有對這個承諾儘起了責任我感到我很失敗。我有看見你努力的挽回但是我卻從我的角度一點也沒同心去進行。

我沒心情寫下去了。。。哭了幾次，寫這個眼淚正在眶裏打滾。那些不知道發生什麽事情的人一直在提起她的名字，我不知道要怎麽面對這一切。我知道是我的錯，所以我不可以生氣或難過。我只好強忍。。。希望大家想怪就怪罪我，以前讓你們認爲的白頭偕老的金童玉女在此就告一個段落了。。。也不是她的錯。。。這個責任就由我擔下吧。。。

最後：珊，我真得很對不起妳。。。

歌曲：

彩虹

哪里有彩虹告诉我

能不能把我的愿望还给我

为什么天这么安静

所有的云都跑到我这里

有没有口罩一个给我

释怀说了太多就成真不了

也许时间是一种解药

也是我现在正服下的毒药

看不见你的笑

要我怎么睡得着

你的身影这么近我却抱不到

没有地球太阳还是会绕会绕

没有理由我也能自己走掉

你要离开我知道很简单

你说依赖是我们的阻碍

就算放开那能不能别没收我的爱

当作我最后才明白

有没有口罩一个给我

释怀说了太多就成真不了

也许时间是一种解药

也是我现在正服下的毒药

看不见你的笑我怎么睡得着

你的身影这么近我却抱不到

没有地球太阳还是会绕

没有理由我也能自己走

你要离开我知道很简单

你说依赖是我们的阻碍

就算放开那能不能别没收我的爱

当作我最后才明白

看不见你的笑

要我怎么睡得着

你的身影这么近我却抱不到

没有地球太阳还是会绕会跑

没有理由我也能自己走掉

是我说了太多就成真不了

也许时间是一种解药解药

也是我现在正服下的毒药

你要离开我知道很简单

你说依赖是我们的阻碍

就算放开那能不能别没收我的爱

当作我最后才明白

蒲公英的约定

小学篱芭旁的蒲公英

是记忆里有味道的风景

午睡操场传来蝉的声音　

多少年后也还是很好听

将愿望折纸飞机寄成信　

因为我们等不到那流星

认真投决定命运的硬币　

却不知道到底能去哪里

一起长大的约定　

那样清晰　打过勾的我相信

说好要一起旅行　

是你如今　唯一坚持的任性

在走廊上罚站打手心　

我们却注意窗边的蜻蜓

我去到哪里你都跟很紧　

很多的梦在等待着进行

一起长大的约定　

那样真心　

与你聊不完的曾经

而我已经分不清　

你是友情还是错过的爱情

距离 (我不配)

这街上太拥挤　

太多人有秘密　

玻璃上有雾气在被隐藏起过去

你脸上的情绪　

在还原那场雨　

这巷弄太过弯曲走不回故事里

这日子不再绿　

又斑驳了几句　

剩下搬空回忆的我在大房子里

电影院的座椅　

隔遥远的距离　

感情没有对手戏你跟自己下棋

还来不及仔仔细细写下你的关于

描述我如何爱你　

你却微笑的离我而去

＃这感觉　已经不对　我努力在挽回　

一些些　应该体贴的感觉　我没给　

你嘟嘴　许的愿望很卑微　在妥协　

是我忽略　你不过要人陪

＊这感觉　已经不对　我最后才了解　

一页页　不忍翻阅的情节　你好累　

你默背　为我掉过几次泪　多憔悴　

而我心碎你受罪　你的美　我不配

new look oh

2007-12-09T12:22:00.000+08:00

hehe~ new look for my blog~! hooray~ courtesy of the very kind agnes who help with the HTML thinga-maginga which i can never figure out. perhaps its my ignorance or is it my old age catching up that is limiting my ability to learn new things haha~!!! whatever it is, many thanks to agnes for helping with the blog~

now on with the blog ba...
bday just passed not long ago... lots of wishes from me friends of all ages and all sectors haha just kidding~ thanks for all the bday wishes~ seems like everyone is wishing me all the best yea? is that a cliche that is spreading around nowadays? all the best haha~
went around for movie some shopping and had a meal at Parris International Buffet Marina hehe~
Movie :
Bee Movie, quite a nice movie considering the sarcasm the movie held, language, character names, bee-human rls... haha well the Bee being a lawyer really seems erm.. out of point. however the movie is still nice overall but not gonna leave much memorable things to discuss in the future. haha~ sorry for being so critical
Shopping :
erm... Marina Square is not much of a place to shop maybe for me cos i'm no good shopper. haha just looking around is perhaps what i do most of the time. but what i look for is special things, new to the world of high technology, wonder to the ignorant haha~ saw a few neon-lit clocks charged at around S$ 149 ~ S$ 249 onwards... and erm saw this bday card which i find quite farnie... Ageing is Inevitable, Maturing is Optional... haha really is a great way to console ourselves of getting old haha~!
Dinner :
Thanks to san, i get a meal at Parris International Buffet... what a wide spread of meals available to eat from~! haha from Cold Plates to Appetisers to Sushi to Cooked Food to Dim Sum to Fried Stuffs to Satay (chicken/lamb), Shishamo, Chops (chicken/lamb/beef) to Ice Cream to Cakes/Desserts to Drinks (soft n juices) all available to choose from. what a meal man and the Oysters... big and watery woohoo~ nice nice nice! haha... a tinge of lemon and a bit of those garlic mixed chilli really lifts the taste of the oyster~ oops forget to check whether got pearl inside before i ate it... dang... now den remember... perhaps the pearl is swirling within my stomach nowadays... no wonder i feel something inside of me haha~ but its damn costly wor.... 40 +++ for dinner...
Bday Celebration :
haha thanks for the 10 paxs who showed up for the Kbox session and credits to those who stayed till the latest oh~ hehe! had a wonderful night at Kbox seeing ppl sing their hearts out and getting drunk overall. its always nice to see ppl pour their feelings into songs they picked~! singing from the soul is music to the ears even though the singer is out of tune~ singing with feelings is such a great thing~ thats what i love about going for K-sessions. its time where ppl show their true feelings in a dark place where ppl can't see what ur true feeling is, they hear it with their hearts through your voice. perhaps only in darkness can everyone be willing to throw out the inner feelings they have hehe~! a few nice singers at tt session, mAg (best singer for Stef's songs not bad at Fish's Chong Bai too), Tris (forever Elva & Zhang Shao Han), Hueyshan (Fish & A-mei wor... very high indeed), Bro (ed ele~) really feeling singer heheh~!, charlie (with her crazy crazy songs), kudos to Candice too for her erm few but nice songs too sorry made a mess of the song Chuang Wai haha started good but ended failing to complete properly... anyway wonderful time i guess everyone is tired of working at peak season. all thanks to my bday, we get to enjoy some time at relaxing haha~! thats what i like abt my bday most!!! although everyone came to office next day looking like the living dead haha~!!!

somethings big gonna happen within these few days... tmr is her last day at work le... really hope all the best for her... i dunnoe how to carry on from here... i know i have caused everyone quite alot of problems, i hope it didn't have to come to this stage however pls forgive me for all the things i have done to certain someone and ppl around us. i will try to settle everything from here, i know its not fair to you guys even if its gonna affect me i will still make what is suppose to happen, happen ba... well... i actually haven made any bday wishes yet... think no use le ba its already over... haha~! well "all the best"~

i'm back 我又回來了

2007-12-03T10:02:00.000+08:00

wah... really 真的 very messy in here... woo hoo... all the furniture got 蜘蛛網... aiyo... still got 老鼠喔~ (老虎，老鼠，傻傻分不清楚~) give me sometime to clear things up first before i start.

5 minutes gone...

10 minutes gone...

a sweltering 30 minutes gone...

tiring 24 hours flies pass....

oh my god... i'm only half done...

(i know its lame... 我知道很無聊。。。just bear with me for awhile... 請通融一下。。。)

ok~!!! finally its done~!! my sofas' stuck on my ceiling and my walls are mostly torn down, well at least the fireplace is in the fire's place hehe~ time to get on with blog writing. *cracks knuckles*

hi all... thanks for reading... more than a year's absence is not expected from myself. unforgivable for being away so long. its not about work commitment nor rls probs haha live's been good to me so far, alot of liveable moments in life and erm... more or less an eventful year to be exact. great work have been done, alot of things accomplished i guess. well lets split it up to different sections to cover, so much to say so much to type... my poor fingers... damn... haha just kidding, they're getting a wee bit chubby from not getting enuff workout. look here comes Thumby 1 & 2, the most chubbiest of them all, getting its heavy weight all over that space bar~ surprisingly the space bar can hold its weight and bounce it right off~ "weee~!" goes Thumby 1 & 2... (sounds like nursery story telling... ah... those old days... xP oops haha dun mean i'm old haha) oh... those other fingies... indexi, middi, ringie and pinkie... all working so hard to shed off those extra weights... good for u lads~! muahaha~! work those fats~

Work Life :
Condition - Good
Environment - Comfortable
Work Relations - Lots of Friends so dun hafta worrie
Work Load - Increased, handled quite well i must say (at least less stressed than last year)
Customers - This year's customer has reached extremities~ first time i have seen such “鳥”ppl and erm... some of the most kindest customers as to specially go to a wonderful cake factory just to buy the best swiss rolls in Singapore to treat my office staff and me~ hehe such sweet lady should be blessed with a pleasant trip with full of heavenly surprises awaiting her~! wish her luck oh~!
However for those really lousy customers well... wish ya'll luck at your trips hope its good for you and hope u remember WHO made your trip possible and hope you remember that your lousy comments really affects what ppl think... to think customer service line really has its rewards but most of the times we spend is getting scolded and hurled at for mistakes that we do wrong... how much right can we do to cover up the scars that have been dealt to us? ooops... there goes my complain side... *ah bish* okie good knocked him our for now... damn rude for interrupting my entry. thats gonna put him to rest for the next erm... 2 secs haha!
Daily Mood -
~ Monday ---> the blues...
~ Tuesday ---> blue black from mondays beating... (only look forward to CSI Miami at nite, love all those gruesome gory crime scenes)
~ Wednesday ---> ladies night but not me wor...
~ Thursday ---> get whacked by the ladies on high...
~ Friday ---> get knocked around by weekend buzz
~ Saturday ---> what a drag to get home... all trains full...
~ Sunday ---> sunniest day of the week hehe~!

Family Life :
whats there to say haha... still the same old 3 persons living their own lives out.
Dad -
Sitting at home watching tv, smoking away on his 紅煙 (ang hun) grumbling nonsense whenever he sees the other two come home.
Well at least from end of November he decides to do something he have done before, Painting the whole house. Perhaps staying home most of the time made him felt that the paints really wearing off... well now least the living rooms looks like the interior of an indian temple haha~ well my rooms of a more warming colour~ Voilet haha not the best choice for a male however well i do like soft colour. haha~!
Mum -
slogging out at work daily... works early morning till late nite... really wish i could care more for her but haiz... my caring never last long... know i've been a bad son here and there most of the time (actually all of the time) haiz... i really erm... pity? or sympathise? seems a weird word to use on family members... well i really hope can give her a better life which she never got... whens that possible... time for me to wake up and do something for her... guess that will be my new year resolution (so typical of me... put off things to later... haiz... when will i ever change)
Me -
haha~ going to work trying to work myself to death. rather die at work than to die at home from endless nagging and criticism. although from certain points criticism is for my own good but when criticism gets tough and direct it gets hurting well thats what i feel though... turning deaf ear doesn't help as the deaf ear gets treated to even louder volume haha... no wonder i have hearing probs nowadays, that explains it very much.

Love Life :
well this years been a good year, with lots of favourable memories... been to Bubu Long Beach in Perhentian, Malaysia though its a boring lifeless place but its good for couples relaxing~ it was to be the most successful planned trip so far. well went to batam harris too~ not bad a place to land on haha the spa... i mean massage was damn *ugh* painful haha 1 hour of torment going on and on but well i came back refreshed hehe~! theres not much to say though well at the moment...
Well shes going to pursue her dreams soon, go out there into the vast wide world to view it from a different angle. respect the courage however really wish her thinking will 成長 dont always so reliant on something that she thinks is good to her. in the real world there is no place to put your trust except in yourself. well, wish her all the best of the best and hope that she can fulfil what she is looking for.
The rls we went through was precious, definitely esp since we went through so much to finally get together. however good things do not last... i do admit that abit hard to let go... but haiz... sometimes when u find something is precious to you and it doesn't weigh as much in other's opinion, not as much as what they are pursuing i guess it shows that the two of us are meant to travel in different directions. it may be hard to let go since it was myself who tried to salvage everything in the first place when it started to fell out of proportion... i guess thats life, paradoxical as it is, lots of contradictions. i mean, perhaps its my character or thinking that is affecting the rls now. when theres nothing to gain from, i feel that its better to let go, look forward and move on... well... at least thats what i think? selfish? or self centered? erm... i'm not very much sure about that...
At least i wish whats best for her and may her trip be worthwhile and in future may she be really blessed with good fortune. perhaps her stay is somewhere else away from mine =) all the best to you.

Bday is round the corner~! yeh~! 7th dec~! the day pearl harbour got hurled with bombs from bomber jets and kamikaze japanese soldiers... they are brave... but haiz... risking one's life to accomplish a mission. that kind of bravery is erm... to be praised but at the same time pitied... well its the bday that i wanna talk about. so many things i'm thinking of hehe~!
- laptop (that one i will save up to buy)
- basketball (4 all courts prefably) haha~
- lose alot of weight~! (at least 40 kg)
- earn more than enough greens to get married and start own business~
- yeap, i'm still yearning for that psychology degree...
- hope my knee gets better so i can start picking up sports again
- world peace? (am i kidding? yeapz of cos!! haha)
- hmmm... i must start thinking of something my friends can buy haha above one seems like non-purchaseable thingies *evil grin*
- actually can't think of anything... perhaps its because i bought most of the things i need hehe~ easily pleased haha~!

*ah bish* stop self-praising~!! *ah-bish* ("\(@_@)/")

okie lahz... its way past working time so should put down this as here... well... thats all for today, will try to update asap...

waiting...

2006-09-02T09:17:00.000+08:00

等待是让人多痛苦的一件事。。。
it is like waiting for things to happen... lets take an example...
you are waiting for a Bus tt will take you to where you want to be but it only comes once. You know wat number to take. At the bus stop you patiently await its arrival. As time pass, you are afraid, you are scared tt you will not be in time to arrive at where you want to be or that you have missed the bus... you want to call tt driver to see if you have missed it but you are afraid tt you will annoy tt driver wif your call.
Are you to wait or are you to at least try and prompt? Will things go according to wat you wish to happen? wat if the bus thinks that you are no longer waiting for it and it changes its route? you will miss the bus, so will the bus miss you... and wat if you are afraid that you missed the bus and you decide to board another bus that will bring you to the same destination but taking a different route? (yes... adventure it is, it is always fun to walk the road less taken but... will it take longer? will it be harder? will it be as satisfying or will the scenary be fantastic as the one you know will be?) adventurous one may be... but when it comes to matters of the heart, much consideration is given... you boarded a different number bus and leaves... who knows just behind comes the bus that you have been waiting for... you have missed it and it has missed you... wat is gg to happen? is that all part of waiting? oh my... all this seems like a drama... but den, theres a chinese saying... "life is like drama becos drama draws its life from real life"
so m i to wait? or m i to prompt? will i irritate? or will i catalyst my downfall? will things ever stay the way they were if i were to wait and the bus never comes? will everything be missed and all is lost never to be found? decisions you have to make... they change your life totally... its not just how it carries on... it is how it is to be carried. will it lighten your load? or will it just let you drag yourself along? yes it is hard...
to contact her or not to contact her... will she think i forget abt her and decide to go another way... if i were to contact her wat shd i say... if i annoy will she haste her retreat? if i touch, will she ever decide to stay? if we are to walk away from wat may be wat it may be... are we gonna regret on the decisions? if we tell ourselve that we are not to look back, wat if one day we do look back and feel tt we are to be missed... so much regret is to be... its not easy... story goes round and round... perhaps it is happening to her but with another one... but who is to come and complete my story and make it done...

thanks blog... really feel better when everything is put to words....

big change period? or just something to get my attention away?

2006-07-20T09:29:00.000+08:00

alot of things are happening and going to happen. yeapz... changes... for the good? or for the bad? well... nvm that, perhaps i do need a real environment... or hey i'm just running away from her leaving? haha! perhaps i shd just leave this world and find another world... it is her world afterall, she makes the decision she thinks is the best for herself, so be it. stopping her won't make her happie neither will letting her do it, but weighing both sides, least she has her way will make her feel happier den forcing her to stay. it ain't abt whether i want her to stay, its just about whether she allows me to let her to stay. she can be wavered but only by those she entrust her life with... (a.k.a. u know who)

recent nights (i mean for the past month) have not been smooth at all for me, lots of dreams interrupt my slp, alot gg through the mind leading to not enough rest and loads of mid sleep wakes. damn... i'm turning into a zombie man~!!! at least now the undead / gothic look still have not been out-fashioned... maybe i shd dress up as frankenstien most of the time, least tt would attract more customers to come in and take pictures with me haha~! =P well... my mind's not working... its somewhere else battling problems and such...

love is not a duty, there is no such things as 'i should do this because it is what i SHOULD do since i love you'. u do things for someone out of love no matter appreciated or not appreciated. theres an end to love... well i've seen it, wat have i done wrong this time? if i really have done something wrong pls punish me other ways den this... if i've not wronged, why are u punishing me this way? is there no way out.

work, to leave or not to leave... a raise would be good... but still the take home pay is little to give too much a hoot... to stay the frens are good, but the benefits are little and not good... the new work environment is nice but to make new frens would need alot of spice... oh god, oh god... work is such a bore... i'm at the fork in life where one wrong step will leave me in the wild.... decisions... y are they so important.... damn....

song of the moment :
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
哭了才发现自己真的受伤了
你曾对我说
你永远
是我的为了
爱情我把自己的幸福都忘了
你快乐我就快乐

也许是我们彼此都太年轻了
总是特别容易沉溺在爱情里
每当我再次看到身边美丽的花火
你也离开我我还是想对你说

Baby I love you so much
你走了我的心在淌血
Baby you hurt me so bad
想要你回到我的世界
Baby I love you so much
你给我的诺言已经瓦解 Oh~ No~
Baby you hurt me so bad
只要我们都爱著
无论多苦都值得说好的
你怎么忘记了

也许是我们彼此都太年轻了
总是特别容易沉溺在爱情里
每当我再次看到身边美丽的花火
你也离开我我还是想对你说

Baby I love you so much
你走了我的心在淌血
Baby you hurt me so bad
想要你回到我的世界B
aby I love you so much
你给我的诺言已经瓦解~
Baby you hurt me so bad
只要我们都爱著
无论多苦都值得说好的
你怎么忘记了

i'm back... u shd know watz it for...

2006-05-29T21:26:00.000+08:00

we have reached the end of a long road... but theres still so much road in front that we have yet to tread across. how i wish this all could carry on and on... we were so good on the day before and den she cld suddenly just tell me that she has lost all feelings... that kind of pain sets in just like quick sand... the more you struggle to get out the more you sink... that kind of pain... it just keeps grabbing at u making u feel breathless and helpless... i can only see her do the things she want... how i wish i cld do it with her again or as usual... i'm gg home alone 2dae... will be facing the things that she left at my home... how i wished they dun have to be moved... i wake up wishing to see her everyday coz she is the only thing that lets me carry on with life... i dunnoe how i can be able to carry onwif life without her.

i hold the hope of being with her even though i know itz hard for her to come back to me... i'm lost... she doesn't seem to be telling the truth of the reason why we are breaking. i feel hurt deeply its not the normal kind of hurt... its something that even how much u say also won't help. i try to look happy just like she is doing... but deep down i know we still have tt feeling for each other... y is she so hard on herself... it pains me even more to see her that way... perhaps i m wrong. we are different ppl from different world. but i dun belif thats the real reason... haiz... shes lost her love for me... i know its not as much as we first began but i belif it is still there... i hate this kind of feeling...

i just want a chance to get back 2gether... i have neva been hard on my decision, now i m serious i want this r/s to go on... damn... i hate this feeling alot... i love her... i still love her alot... pls... if there is any justice in this world, let us be 2gether for as long as can be....

so long neva update

2006-05-17T09:30:00.000+08:00

its been so long... since i last updated the blog... goodness gracious me... well alots been happening. extracted 2 wisdom tooths till now. alot much better now less pain from my gums.

tt aside, had alot of time spent wif love of my life, abit of arguments + disagreements here and there. but all haf been resolved yet i still feel insecure. tired from all the efforts i put in only 2 get moments of happiness in life. hope is wat i m clinging on to survive in this rls :) yet there are others who dun seem to agree wif our rls n its hard 4 me to be accepted into another's world... i guess this is reality, this is the test that needs to go through. for this test is so real and so difficult i need to pass it with flying colours. it isn't a test that studying will do, hard work won't do either... it takes time... loads of time to curb... but times not wat i have... haiz... great...

well thats really affected me... i lost my direction in life all of a sudden... great yeah? haiz... well work has been hard for me... no luck in aniting at all for me. served and served only to see the customers walk out and neva come back... even if they come back it ain't gonna go into my account. oh god... pls bless me... otherwise i will get kicked :)

ttz all, bye blog.

love neva hurts till betrayal sets in

2006-03-02T18:49:00.000+08:00

i have no comments... wat good will comments do... think my title tells all... guess IT REALLY IS THE END afterall. no use forcing le... well no more comments at least. gd bye... damn wat can a guy do to save his relationship. damn i m so useless... damn... damn... damn....

wish my apple sis gd luck after she has quitted five stars. hope she finds a better place to be at. cherio~ at least to u all.. not to me...

well i'm back wif another entry...

2006-02-19T09:53:00.000+08:00

hi blog... itz been 4 days since my last entry. things have changed quite abit. after v-day itz been downhill for me like i said before. well it hasn't gotten any better but there is still some consolation to it. hope everything will be alright from today onwards. least i hope...

well, i was a jerk for the whole day keep wanting to make her angry despite she was really ill. this isn't what i wanted really. i just wanted to haiz... dunnoe hw to put it... guess itz juz how i react when there a breakup. i dun do wat i want to do. guess thats everything to it. i m that way but NO i must change yeah... cannot take things so hard anymore. well, i tot of it hard n long. she is still by my side as a fren. all is not lost. even a fren is a fren wifout the Official "Girl" word in front. we still have to see each other face to face everyday. my love for her needs to be converted into just pure frenship. i guess being gd frens will not hurt at all. afterall itz all the sweet memories that count. i hope it really is the right way to react.

well she made me grew alot tru our relationship. she tot me lots of things and she brought me ard places i haf nt been to. thanks to her i am more enriched in my life. i owe alot to her as i learned on the way to the breakup. she is a good girl despite her own remarks on herself. she opened my eyes to things i have not even tot abt...

谢谢你，我很感谢你。

希望你记住。美丽的人不是拥有俊俏的脸孔的人，而是那些能够展示自己最自然的一面的人。就算拥有俊俏脸孔但无法发自内心地展现自己，那个人一点都不美。跟你在一起我真正的看到了你那发自内心展现出那最自然的美。

有如你所说:“不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有。”

thank you...

had a beautiful dream, but itz all over now

2006-02-15T16:35:00.000+08:00

wow, itz a long time since i last updated this blog... it was december since my last entry n now itz woh! february!!! damn... haiz... loads of things happened i guess. the main reason i was busy was coz i started to had this wonderful dream. (actuallie nt a dream it happened!)

i had a chance upon this wonderful girl in my life. we had loads of happy moments and every happy moment was very much worth remembering. even if it was a dream it was so vivid its sure to leave a very deep mark in my memory. we had fun everyday spending so much time in each others company. time seem to have stopped at every moment tt we are together and it was like all bad things just took a rest and stayed away. well i guess thats wat one will feel in a moment when u find true love.

well all good dreams must come to an end... and sure it did. a dream of 1 1/2 mth... wat the heck... it sure was a fine dream but yet endings are never good. she finallie decided to leave. with extremely slim hope of coming back to me. i wonder why things are to be so unfair, even when a rls is gg fine it still has to end. so much unhappiness suddenly befall me and i felt so much pain... i did wat i can to salvage BUT seems though all were in vain... guess itz like yeapz end of the world (i know itz nt the right way of describing it, but wat the heck itz meant to be a cliche. nothing else can describe it better)

ppl complain to me telling me that my blog is full of love complaints... well i hope there is more things to write in here den these... itz almost like i can relate other things except love probs to others thats y i hafta write in here... damn... out of point... i hate life... life's unfair, ruthless and f*cking no point...

my birthday is over neh...

2005-12-09T14:20:00.000+08:00

good grief... it was over in a blink of an eye... but the day was well spent i shd sae at least i spent it wif someone... but turns out it was not meant to be i think well lets juz put tt aside ya, shes attached too so... dun bother... *bleah*

haha~! almost all colleagues went for some karaoke session~ woohoo~ everyone sang, everyone was there and we had fun~ booming the music and such~ well... duets were sung, some horribly some sounded well nice i guess... haha~ [not bragging hor]

oh god... dear blog so long neva update u le sia...

伤心伤人伤感情，心痛悲哀没人理，怪来怪去怪自己。痛苦是自找的，吃不起苦头就不要自作多情。

recovery period : no more~!?

2005-10-22T09:32:00.000+08:00

eh... really no more le...? or is it? it still comes to me when i see her... but den itz less of it nowadaes... concentrating on my work but y does all my work still seem so easy to cock up... haiz... wat to do... guess itz tt bad luck streak again when i dun haf wat i want.... yeapz... ttz it, dunnoe wat to sae le... gg Korea on 26th... so gonna neglect u for a while blog... keke~ hope to see some nice pics posted on here... damn... dun haf digicam... how to take pics~!!!!!!!!!!! any digicams on loan? oh god oh god...

public apology to my sis

2005-10-22T09:29:00.000+08:00

hey sis... sorry for breaking the promise... i promised to bring down the doll for u but i diden do it... but den was forced to stay coz boss asked me to OT... haiz... really really sorrie~ X 10000000000 [guess ttz still not enuff ba...] really really sorrie... perhaps before i go korea i can pass it to u somehow ba~ so lets see when i can pass it to u den.

recovery period : day 5

2005-10-02T09:57:00.000+08:00

well... itz day 5 le... wat can i say... feelings? stil very much there... actuallie went over wanted to see her yesterdae but den haiz... diden haf the courage. BUT i did called her up regarding work matters... had a incy bincy small chat... juz diden feel right at all... haiz... went home havin her in my heart all the time... everyday came to work wif her in my mind... guess i juz can't put it down at all... day 5... haiz... watz gonna happen today? guez i will b scolded by most of my customer coz quite a few hotels cldn't b confirmed... haiz... guez ttz it for me since we... nvm.. dun wanna find excuses for my bad luck streak, not worth it to find a scapegoat.
day 1 & 2 were bad... booze... but no tears... they juz cldn't flow... y... i dunnoe... haiz... day 3 & 4 thankx to frenz it went pass juz fine, cheered up a lil but den still... shes there deep down... went over to see if she did kip the last gift i gave her, she diden use it but den... i dun see it on her table too... i know itz bad to spy on someone but den... nvm... finding excuses again... shd avoid tiz kind of things... excuses can't help me all the time...
itz hard to smile when the heart ain't smiling... plus my damn sickness... been sick since tt dae... guez itz the booze..........

recovery period : day 1

2005-09-28T09:18:00.000+08:00

Day 1 : down/sad/extremely down/extremely sad/ultimately down/ultimately sad

"we never start b4" ... *ouch tt really hurts*

bye...

something is very wrong wif me

2005-09-23T16:11:00.000+08:00

now i know where im wrong... actuallie wat u haf to do is ask... let everything out and everything can be cleared or did it clear up... dun think so ba... well least i know now she is actuallie angry wif me and thinks i'm such a bother.... well wat i can sae is wat i'm afraid has really happened drastically... haiz... itz juz all my fault... she don't even accept my apologies... wat i beg for is forgiveness and her to return to me... sorries won't get me aniwhere... i guez wat can really be done is repentance. admitting your mistake n take the time to change the way i behave...

i juz hope that it won't be the last draw for her to consider me. i know i shdn't control u, guez i juz cared too much. i diden want to trace u ard juz that when i dun hear from you i'm actuallie very worried. to others i guess itz overly worried for you ba.... for now i try to leave u alone i dink thatz the best way things can go... in the mean time i will go and look back at wat i did. i promise u i will change the way i behaved. i do wan your forgiveness and your understanding if possible. somethings i juz dun have the courage to tell you in person. pls dun ignore me for now coz itz very painful for me to nt be able to chat wif u like before. haiz... i'm too sad to know wat i m saying now... perhaps i said something wrong again... guez i still nt mature enuff to handle your feelings ba... hope after awhile we can be together like before.
thanks for letting me know where i m wrong in... i'm sorrie for wat i haf done to you. will leave u alone for nw. will v v v v miz u alot...

mood : no mood to work / sad / self-reproach / love sick / dreadful / soul-less

confused...

2005-09-21T11:42:00.000+08:00

haiz... abit confused... oh my oh my.... how how how... i very jialat liaoz... are we reallie in a rls? haiz... i can't tell lehz... i try not to think of her that much but i reallie can't help it but keep thinking of her... perhaps tiz is wat ppl call as Dan Lian ba... haiz... how how how... i dunnoe... want to go bang head le~! whrz the wall~!!! argh~!!! *bang*
*ouch...* that really hurts... but nt as much as being confused... tt few days when she had OT to do and was able to go home wif her was my happiest few days wif her... but nw she no more doing OT i no chance go home wif her i very sad... nt sure hw to describe perhaps itz too used to gg home wif her le nw can't go home wif her abit lonely n sad ba... HAIZ.... no choice, dun wan her stay too late also coz she dun like to wait. well... ttz mi ba... wan tiz but dun dare sae scared tiz scared tt goodnez... haiz... i'm still confused... help me out in tiz.... please.... i'm sinking.... *sinking slowly* argh~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! going... going... gone~!"
...............................................................................................................................................................................................................................
dang.... i'm still ard... haiyoh... thiz sea of love is dangerous ya? keke aniwae... i'm going crazy le... bye blog... nid to go bak focus on work b4 i cock up aniting again...

i'm back to continue the storie

2005-09-17T10:28:00.000+08:00

hihi~ i'm back le... though from not enuff rest but still can rem some of wat happened yesterdae... tt bloody uncle.. he betta watch out!!!

tiz uncle came in sitting down demanding for an Europe package tt is nt available in the winter months and insist that there is such a departure date. asked ard and demanded for an answer... i was patient enuff to find out for him but he insist that there is. i showed him black n white proof that there is no departure on that day but he reallie reallie dun belif and he keeps repeating the same fucking question. and i tot he was leaving when he sat down again to ask mi to calculate all his prices for him. he was damn fucking rude truout the whole enquiry session and he was juz trying to irritate me for the whole time. he has really made me mad by doing all those things. i lost one big sale due to his constant and repeated enquiries. i hope that he knows he is wrong and he will not do this thing again to my fellow travel line colleagues. lets juz hope he gets his juz deserved somewhere elz... retribution is the only way for him. haha~ take it, i'm juz evil~ woohoo~!!!

haha okie okie i haf let everything out... now feeling betta~ thankx blog~ haha gd day to everyone ya~!? *bleah*
oh yeah... to zoey ---> gd luck in looking for ur new job.
to tris ---> gd luck for u wif ur new guy~ haha
to dear ---> hope u like the bf's i made n hope we can go long wae :P

juz back from natas...

2005-09-17T00:37:00.000+08:00

well juz came back from natas, first time in my life sit inside crowded area and no customers book with me at all... was damn fed up over there... lucky last dae had some sales but still was disappointed wif overall results though coz split to 3 daes it was quite bad lorz...

aniwaez for those who are pondering watz the end of the storie? haha nopez nt gonna tell but den... keke very happie to be ard her and care for her lorz... hopez she can take care more of herself n less angry wor~
but den thankx for letting mi haf chance take care of u n make bf for u ya~ n tat hand of urs is reallie hard to hold ya... i'm sure u know wat i mean... *bleah*

to the fren tt i lost due to some internal conflicts wif her b*yfr*n, hope u reallie take care of yourself and erm... dun let him bullie u again if tt happens den... nvm since we no longer FRENS... juz take care ya? haiz... =( oh yeah... gd luck for your exams... or at least watz remaining of it wor... *bleah*

okie lahz... end le nothing much to sae also perhaps tmr den add one more entry ba...
oh yeah i shd haf plenty to talk of coz i served a bloody old uncle who tested my patience... guez he dunnoe young ppl haf to time to hassle ard~ haha well leave tt to tmr ba~

(._. ) ( ._.) ( -_-) (-_- ) err....

2005-08-29T10:47:00.000+08:00

i reallie reallie dunnoe wat happened... i was so engrossed in my own sweet moments tt i cldn't care less abt my work but it turned out that it was not to be. things did not turn out the way i wanted it to... i guessed i'm juz nt meant for a relationship... i've reallie gone out of my usual way to try all ways to win her heart but still i guess i juz diden do enuff... wat do i need to do to convince her that we can work out? haiz... i'm hiding... hiding from her... if ttz wat she thinks is suitable... i'm nt sure either...
tt day my ex came down n for the 1st time i diden felt sad... coz i know i had a new hope, i had her in my heart... all was so nice for mi.. i guess it was too good to be true...
hmmm... i'm not such a lucky guy i think... though i haven reallie had good luck all my life or even once or twice in my life well... guess the gd luck arrow neva points to me =(
i'm gg to lose my job, soon i think coz i juz ignored my boss well ttz nt the onli thing i'm ignoring... haiz...
she picked up the phone when i called... damn... i wanted so much to speak wif her... but... haiz... i'm confused... people out of love tell me that they broke up coz they learned more of each other, people who can't be together tell me that they dunnoe each other well ttz y they can't be together but den... wat is love abt when u can't know each other too well or u cannot dunnoe each other at all...
argh... i'm juz too confused over everything

tiz is getting no where...

2005-08-20T09:32:00.000+08:00

yepz... i'm living everyday as it is... passing it as though itz part and parcel of the daily routine... haiz... i'm abit blue 2dae... she's angry wz me, i dunnoe y... well i tried to lk on bright side but it diden help coz i dun understand her thinking at all...
well tried to made breakfast for her tt dae, though failed quite badly, but she still accepted it... but den it felt real good to reallie make something for someone u love ya? :)
but den i reallie dunnoe her... tt dae sending her home was the closest i got to her, able to look at her deeply but den i dun seem to be able to move her at all... i'm nt sure if itz juz my own wishful thinking or not... i alwaes haf tiz inferior feeling tt i m reallie nt suitable for her, i'm juz nt good enuff for her i guess yeah? erm... think i'm nt getting aniwhere wif this blog coz i din haf enuff sleep yest nite.. well think i'll juz stop her for now before i type something wrong...
pls show me lite n bring me ard... being in the dark is painful n hurting... at least for now... i hope...

oh my... so long since my last entry...

2005-08-16T09:40:00.000+08:00

guess i haf nt failed to ignore my blog again... oops.. .hehe~ pls forgive me blog... sorrie~
aniwae, back to wat i'm gonna sae. tiz has been an up n down period. pay being dragged... running out of greens to spend... haiz... damn when is this company gonna wake up ya? maybe all shd resign 1st n let them re-employ new birds... :P erm... maybe thats abit too bad but den... nah~ from the kind of treatment we haf received they do deserved abit of punishment for taking us for granted. :P
well... i got to know tiz gal abit betta, found tt quite interested in her so... well i do hope things work out fine ya? hehe pray hard for me yeh? 1st time laid my hands on making a present for a gal the kind of accomplishment, feelings, heart n soul put into making it reallie makes me feel happie~ hope she likes the present ALOT haha juz kidding... if she likes it i hope it will warm her heart also~ keke~ k lahz... dun wan tok too much abt it. (thanks to tt gal for the red bean soup... oishi~ hehe)

bye blog... take care~ update u another day...

i juz return from my star cruise fam trip~ yippee~

2005-07-29T09:47:00.000+08:00

well well~ where shd i begin~ hehe was an overall very fun trip espciallie with the ppl who went~ thanks to u guys for making the trip so much so enjoyable and so havoc~ haha~! guess we made use of the very little of wat we had and made the most of everything that cld be done. wow... looking back at all the pictures taken, all tell a different story, brings back really fond memories and all those fun moments are still in mind~ woohooo~!! all the laughters we had created in the restaurants, the reallie wild time we had in the disco and ktv~ haha~! i guess ttz the kind of thing that everyone needs once in a while when they go overseas. Thanks god for letting mi get to know these buncha guys n gals hehe~!
aniwae, went wif my company n other company peeps~ saw some peeps whom i onli said hi n bye to but got to know them more on board the cruise~ haha~
ok ok next, go on to the next pt~ thrz tiz gal who fell so in love wif the crew she diden even wanna get off the cruise yeah? u know that kinda stuffs? haha~ well erm, i juz think that thiz kind of stuffs differ in people. there are many perspectives that one can look at this kind of behaviour. well from mine, superficially it seems as though shes juz madly in love wif this guy being unrealistic n all such things but well, if u take a look deeply into her true behaviour [the way she looks at the guy, so much love n feelings in her eyes well, u can tell shes serious (i mean dead serious~ hehe~!) in this guy] shes like so engrossed in looking at that guy, shes in a world of her own yeah? hehe this kind she b called Chi Qing in chinese if all those cheena ppl can understand my poor Han Yu Pin Yin~ well well... enuff of that k?
lastly, thanks to Ash & Gary for making the trip so noisy wif all ya jokes and squabbles, thanks to Tris, Elis and Amber for all ur Hua Chi behaviours~ hahaha (dun feel offended, it provided much enjoyment looking n hearing all the things u all do n sae =P) thanks to Jean for all the fun we had on the bus n trips on shore, also the nite we played Dai dee~ haha (still rem elis losing n winning not knowing she won~) thanks to Jane~ for being there and making the trip so enjoyable with all ur jokes n such~ heng u nt among the Hua Chi Club (HCC) haha~!! ok ok~ u guys keep in touch yeah? see whether we can work together and fight for next fam trip haha~ take care and see u guys again~

haiz...

2005-07-22T11:24:00.000+08:00

haiz... *yawnz* so sianz... 2dae boss blew up again... erli erli in the morning want to complain tiz complain that... haiz... wish there were more staffs around to share the blame :( so tired from work... alwaes working full shift returning home late nite come to work erli in the morning... *yawns* guess ttz juz life for mi... least for now... till i find another place to keep under their roof...
tried to serve most of the customers that come in, ended up doing too mani bookings to follow up wif... haiz... y bother to busy myself rite? aniwae... the coy's changing their R & R (rules and regulations) regarding some $$ matters... well wat do we haf to stay... s*ck thumb wor... haiz... so jialat... guess i won't b able to save much either...
lastly... recently got to know a few frenz, hehe yeh~ new frenz~ hope i get to keep them... (ooops... nt like dolls of coz... i mean like frenz~ u know? frenz? nvm -_-"...) and oh yeah~ old frenz whom we haf picked up chatting, do stay in touch yeah!

i'm nt budging~!

2005-07-20T10:14:00.000+08:00

oh goodness... i guess i really have no mood at all for my work.... no more passion... no more happiness nor satisfaction in life to achieve wat i want to do... itz all downhill for me from here i guess.. yeapz... itz time for depression period again~ eeekS~! scarie~ hahah....
anyway, hafta finish thiz short entry before i lose myself and becum insane~ argh~!!! goodnesss.... ok, thrz a few frenz i haven heard from lately. went tru the pictures from NYJC, saw a few fren whom i lost contact wif. still rem those days when they helped me in sch and those whom i chatted wif on IRC long long ago~ miz u guys yeah~
kk hafta end le... boss come in liao le bye~

fruitful day

2005-07-04T21:26:00.000+08:00

yeapz... spent a fruitful day in office, took quite some bookings at a go. but still cldn't top the sales so what for... haiz... tried to keep myself awae from negative tots by tying myself up wif work... but once work gets piling i get really pissed... so itz like... wat for? rite? hmmm... but still negative tots do come to mi once in a while... well song of the moment for mi would be Akon's Lonely... maybe i should stick in the lyrics in tiz entry... yeah... i will do juz tt...

Lonely im so lonely,
I have nobody,
To call my owwnnn

Im so lonely,
im mr. Lonely
I have nobody,
To call my owwnnn

Im so lonely,
Yo this one here goes out to all my playas out there
ya kno got to have one good girl whose always been there like ya
Kno took all the bullshit then one day she cant take it no more
and decides to leaveI woke up in the middle of the night
and I noticed my girl wasn't by my side,
coulda sworn I was dreamin,
for her I wasFeenin,
so I hadda take a little ride,
back tracking ova these few years,
tryna figure out wat I do to make it go bad,
cuzEver since my girl left me,
my whole life came crashin

Im so lonely (so lonely),
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Cant belive I hadda girl like you and
I just let you walk right outta my life,
after all I put u thru u still stuck
Around and stayed by my side,
what really hurt me is I broke ur heart,
baby you were a good girl and I had no right,
IReally wanna make things right,
cuz without u in my life girl

Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody to call my own)
To call my own (to call my own) girl
Im so lonely (so lonely)

Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Been all about the world ain't neva met a girl
that can take the things that you been through
Never thought the day would come
where you would get up and run and
I would be out chasing uCuz aint nowhere in the globe
id rather be, aint noone in the globe
id rather see then the girl of my dreams that made me
Be so happy but now so lonely

So lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own)
Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girrl

lNever thought that id be alone,
I didnt hope you'd be gone this long,
I jus want u to call my phone,
so stop playing girl and

Come on home (come on home),
baby girl I didn't mean to shout,
I want me and you to work it out,
I never wished Id everHurt my baby,
and its drivin me crazy cuz...

Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own)
Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl
lLonely, so lonely
So lonely, (so lonely),
Mr. Lonely, so lonely
So lonely, so lonely,
(so lonely), Mr. Lonely

back from reservist

2005-07-03T14:51:00.000+08:00

i juz returned from my reservist nt long ago... was quite an experience, fell really really ill, suffered from "no womanism" and also saw someone got beaten up so badly i bet his mum cldn't recognize half of him... well firstly lets touch on me falling really ill. had fever in camp which was caused by flu. that stupid fever made me suffer in bed tossing n turning, nt being able to have good rest. wanted to die den but den it wld haf been juz dumb to be dying for a simple illness, guess it will take more den that to turn me off from life. =) well back to the sickness, first time i was sick till i cldn't get out of bed wor... haha gt so frightened tt it was dengue fever caused my limbs went really numb when i was asleep... damn... tt stoopid feeling, felt like i was on the verge of leaving my body let my "soul run free" =P ok ok enuff of that...
well the "no womanism" thing is juz simple... there ain't no nice looking gal in an army camp~!!! and i can tell u tt.... almost all of them are twice my age or least half as much... dang.... the guys inside had nothing to relate to except FHM Singapore / Maxim / Hot Stuff Mag (on cars) and yeapz... those will be all they ever talk abt inside... well... heard lotz of other's experiences to brothels and prostitutes, well... itz all juz hearsay and other's bragging dunnoe if it true also, so wat the heck juz lend a hearing ear to them, afterall they are in the same boat, can't live wifout gals =P
oh oh~ the guy who gt beaten up... heard he complained abt unfair treatment from officers den in the end tried to push other ppl to do his work. well... wat can i sae... in a world full of ah bengs who haf colouring all over their bodies, guess ttz a very bad thing to do. in the end, he got well beaten up, wif fist from one of the guys, wif a HELMET from the other... well... well... least from the helmet beating, he had one big blue black patch on his left eye, big in the size of one huge fist. and when i say huge fist, i do mean huge fist.... it is HUGE... i'm nt kidding u~! eeeeks.... he so badly beaten up... haiyoh.... ok ok enuff of tt lets juz leave it as that...
well back to mi again... same old mi... juz more saddened by the fact that the curse has been proven once again by a gal. well i guess... itz juz mi... and this dreadedly, deadly curse i'm bringing ard wif me... ani1 know a bohmoh or something? haiz... least i'm happie that she and her bf is back together again afterall i did wished her gd luck in getting 2gether again n hope that they dun separate in the first place... but still... haiz... well... guess juz like Akon's song... mr lonely... itz juz the name for mi =)

bye blog... [from a saddened me]

confused...

2005-06-19T16:09:00.000+08:00

haiz... she [my-ex] came down todae... so glad to see her, heard that she has probs wif her current bf... dunnoe y this is the seasons for couples to quarrel or something... yeapz still v much happie to see her think i still haf abit of feelings left over in mi... i still do kip the last msg tt she sent mi and bring it up once in a while to read. brings back fond memories also... but den... haiz... can't be help that it turned out this wae... i think itz all too late also...

ok enuff of that... i started to pick up chatting wif her... but den haiz... dunnoe i juz confused... want to write down some feelings only... ok ttz all bye... no mood to write?

yeapz... itz a day after my off...

2005-06-18T10:36:00.000+08:00

haiz... life's so short... after sending my colleague home i took a cab home. after dropping off, i saw tt a small crowd was gathered below my block. den i notice a body lying below my flat, it was the body of an old man, the abdomen covered with blood and there were bags over the abdomen... immediately i went up home to notify my dad who after going down to check said it was my neighbour... shortly after my neighbours went down, i cld hear the voices of them crying out loud below... those cries were so helpless... there was so much grief in the words that came out... those were tears so sincere no one can ever come across lest they have someone so dear to them pass awae... haiz... there's a funeral below my block for him, i was so disgrace to look into the parlour... haiz... i looked at the pic for one last time. i felt so sad... if onli i was there earlier maybe i cld haf stopped him... well... i guess thats life... when itz gonna end itz gonna end... haiz...

well, shes reading my blog... glad tt she reads my blog... but still haiz... nvm... nothing's changed, i'm still cursed no matter wat... i dun belif there's ani gal who is able to break my curse... so much for being optimistic when facing other ppl's problem... when it comes to my own i m alwaes so pessismistic... well thatz mi, dun think aniting will eva change... aniwaes... alotz been going tru my mind haiz...

oh yeah... one of my colleague is having her last day... hehe gonna miz her coz she's been gg out lunch or dinner wif mi most of the times~ oh dear who is gonna go lunch wif mi now... *sad* aniwae wish her all the best in her studies and hope she and her bf turn out alrite... oh also her grandma hope she can recover or at least still be alrite...

k blog... having headache already, dun wanna write too much... too mani words make me blur. i going to work le bye~

( -_- )"

2005-06-15T09:55:00.000+08:00

she read my blog... haiz... she really did... she read my blog n i was... haiz... nvm... doesn't matter. she juz told mi the same old things everyone told me. "i've nt met the one." i'm nt sure how many millions of times i haf heard it... itz ok... i can already memorize those words tt gals alwaes sae to me... "u're a good guy. u will find a gal u will love (either soon/in future). i'm nt the kind for u."
same old words coming out from the mouth of everyone... is it a cliche? or is it juz a universally polite n courteous way of excusing urself from someone who likes u? or is it juz a means of escape? to help oneself ease out of a tense situation when someone is hot on their heels for their love, care n concern? i perhaps nid a gal to guide mi tru tiz. for so mani times i have encountered these words tt i find that soon they haf all become so untrue n even more hurting den consoling... i mean those words are suppose to heal rite? or those are juz suppose to be covering up for u all to get rid of the guy? oooopsss... m i too harsh there? k pardon mi... i'm juz saying all tt in a fit of anger.
well... i'm going for reservist soon, will b cooped up in camp and kept awae from civility... hope den i can haf some peace n rest or wld i... hmmm... wateva comes will comes... juz let it be i think ttz the onli wae to be doing things... chinese like to sae "zou yi bu, kan yi bu" (see wat comes may on the next step) does tt help? wat if there is no "next step" r we juz suppose to be standing there stopped in our tracks n perhaps wait for things to happen? haiz... no use retracin the steps isn't tt rite? "hao ma bu chi hui tou cao" wif tiz phrase pride n honour is involved... den erm... oh shit... i'm blabbering nonsense... mind is wandering le haha~! pardon mi... i hafta start work le... bye blog thanks for letting me exert mie anger n express mie sadness... many thanks...

itz the curse... tt same old bloody curse...

2005-06-14T09:33:00.000+08:00

haiz... i'm back after a long long break... so much to tell but so lil ways to express myself. itz been quite a while yeah? i prepared to quit, quited and returned to the same old place to work... reason to leave? someone was too much wif her attitude n too mani new faces around getting bored of it... after i quitted, was at home for those few daes, dad nagged at mi for the full day n i cldn't stand it animore... returned to same old place to work... yeapz... i cldn't bear to leave those fren'z i've made tru work... well... nw tt i'm back i haf to be prepared to face the reasons tt made me left...

ok ok nw the curse... i've been cursed... n i mean eternallie... (till the end of life tt kind of things? u know? u know?) it goes like that... the gals tt i like, alwaes either end up wif another guy in less than 1 mth n they will be together for like dunnoe how mani years... haiz... i've given up hope in liking somebodi for a while till i met my first gf tot tt i wld haf broken the curse but hey~ u guessed it... itz back to haunt me... she has gone wif another guy... n yes... "they lived happily ever after..." wooo-hooo... ttz so great for her, i mean them... wateva... so be it haiz... den now i end up liking all the gals who haf bf... damn... m i cursed or wat... there muz be something wrong wif me or is there so much coincidence tt i m alwaes facing the same old thing over and over again...

my god, buddha, jesus... whoeva is willing to help... juz tell mi how to break tiz curse or the very least help mi break it~! please.... please... pretty please... the above has happened over dunnoe how mani times? over 20? i think itz even more den my age lehz... hw can tt happen to mi...

ok ok i think itz time to start work le... dear bloggie... u take care of urself... sorrie for neglecting u for so long again... gd bye...

may day still hafta work...

2005-05-01T10:22:00.000+08:00

haiz... life has becom so boring... my closest fren has left the company... there goes all the companionship i haf no one to joke wif, no one to help me, no one to discuss things wif... all gone... haiz... tiz is dreadful...
plus... my life is taking a downturn... everything is slowing down, good things are not happening....
oh no... i nid some lucky charm or something~!!
k lahz... lame as i haf been, itz time to get down to work...
working on may day... haiz...

i feel that some things i muz cherish

2005-04-09T17:57:00.000+08:00

today went to pay respect to my ancestors with my parents, i finallie know wat it is like when u see out of the picture... i was with my father when he met his friend at the temple and as usual his behaivour turned me off...making me out of mood.

but den later on i saw something, i saw that my father was "lost" in his own world... he look so old all of a sudden... or was it that i have not paid enough attention to him at all... i feel that itz time i shd haf paid more attention to him after ignoring him for so long... i reallie shd start taking care of him... i wouldn't know wat to do if i lost him or something... he is "depreciating" in his memories... he can't remeber things as well as before.... haiz... i've not been a filial child at all... it shd be time that i change and be one.... or at least i mus try.... god.... punish me please....

but on the contrary, whenever he starts his nagging and chiding i juz tell myself itz not worth it to sacrifice so much effort in being a filial child... oh no... is that tot suppose to be correct? i think i shdn't be thinking that wae... i muz change my kind of thinking... perhaps itz juz old age and loneliness getting to him such that he behaves in such "an old woman" naggy wae... haiz... to think that i am not a filial child for so long... think i realli realli muz change...

ok den... i muz set myself to work towards being a filial child instead, i muz learn from the start... haiz...

well... i met wif that special gal again, but den seems though we haf further-ed apart since we last met and knew each other... ok dun wan comment too much on it... juz hope she recovers from her cough, and world peace... (eeeks... is that suppose to be included?) hahaha~

well take care everyone~ hope everything is going fine (i'm still waiting for my uni confirmation)

damn.. i look like a beng now

2005-03-28T10:15:00.000+08:00

had a haircut... turn out disastrous... had my hair dyed.... made it even worst... god is playing a huge trick on me... i look ah beng now~!! aye... no wonder everyone is staring at me on the streets... if i get beaten up on the streets i now know why...

so much for my worries... but least wif the long fringe gone i can see much better and itz not tt hot hahaha~ *congrats to me* yeh~ =P well.. gonna handle some cock up cases todae... wish me luck k?

gd morning~

2005-03-25T10:56:00.000+08:00

haiz... tore my contact lenses again... y alwaes like that de... wah biangz... i wan to die liao lahz...

nevamind not gonna let a smal obstacle ruin my dae hehe~! hope that everything will be alrite soon... itz a good fridae and i'm still working hahaha yeh....

i'm so happie lehz i got to know more ppl and be more open to others hahah

natas was great fun. knew alot of peeps~ heheh hope to get all their msn and get to chat wif them again

adios~!

oh my... oh my...

2005-03-22T12:56:00.000+08:00

*trips over fallen log* goodness gracious me~!!! so long since i last came here... eekks~! "RATS~!!!" arghhhh~!!! *leaps in the air* oh god... i haven been in here for so long and itz infested with rats and cockroaches... haiz... *starts to put on cleaning hat and apron* lalalalala......

ok on with the blog entry.... recently joined my company at Natas Suntec City, it was so fun, all the crowd and sorts, all the competition between companies, all the different agents that we all get to know... hehehe~

i got to know tiz gal who's realli nice and cute. shes so full of ambitions and ideas, i'm so mesmerized by this kinda ppl. itz like she woke me up from my slackers dream all of a sudden~ hahaha i've alwaes been hiding from reality juz telling myself be satisfied with my current lifestyle but it seems though she has showed me that i have not done anything special or anything that i reallie wish to do in life.

i must wake up liao~ hahaha all my wishes and dreams here i come~!!!!! *muahahaha* thanks~ *cute gal*

P.S. : sorry blog for neglecting u so long... i'm reallie sorrie...

phew~

2005-01-24T09:20:00.000+08:00

wat a week... or shd i sae weekend? wooo hooo~~!! annual dinner man~ saw all the prettiest gals there is in the whole of the company and drank my fill and got drunk... most importantly it was fun being high~ wooo~!!!

ooops... i'm like still high? hahahah oh anyways... today is Ziru's Birthday~ so in case u happen to be reading this, HAPPIE BDAE~!!! Happie Bdae to u~ Happie Bdae to u~ Happie Bdae to Ziru~ Happie Bdae to U~!!!!

oh no i hafta stop all this... haiz... i'm going mad loh.... hehehe~ nvm that... wateva it is, i'm juz happie that i'm finallie feeling good... thanks to beer... the only best friend proven to help.... ooooohh... ouch ouch ouch... my head.... the hangova is damn great.... hahahaha nvm that.... thats past... well hope the coming daes will be fine.... yeah... hope i will be lucky and good things will happen.....

hahahaha~!!!! well well.....

2005-01-11T09:42:00.000+08:00

wow... itz been long... ard ten days since she left... yeapz... still haven got over her... but den... yeapz nevamind all is past... let all of those memories flow wif water... no use holding onto them... they will juz pull me deeper down into all those... oh yeah... dun go there... =)

she came back yesterdae to collect her pay... yeapz.. felt gd to see her but den she called me dao coz i ignored her... but den haiz... i had customers in front of me... nt tt i dun want to talk to her at all well... itz the impression tat counts so i guess i blew everything... =) [i muz be happie maintain happie n look happie]

theres one thing i've been doing... eating n gaining weight... oh is tt 2 things... aye... or is it one thing that leads to the other? aye... dang... idiotic english... i hate it.... y is english the universal language.... haiyoh... ooops i'm complaining again...

theres like so mani couples ard nowadaes think u go orchad throw a stone from any 2nd floor u will hit a couple walking by... hahaha juz joking... thats the onli wae to keep singapore's population at 3 million and counting... hurts to see them do all the things that i cld haf done well.. ITZ OVER le... dang... hafta remind myself so many times.... haiz...

kz... itz time to work again... no full pay collected and unpaid leave... haiz... bye~

lyrics.... n a short entry....

2004-12-25T09:30:00.000+08:00

hahaha... hah... hah... hahaha.... haha... hah... hahaha...... *sobz sobz* (a mixture of hysterical/foolish/idiotic/pathetic laffter + loads of tears) haiz..... y m i the sort who is so weak in feelings? y muz i be the one... hmmm... nvm tt suppose to b xmas, the season of giving.... giving awae all tt u haf, all tt u wanna give and all tt u can give.... so be it den... i will nt want to upset my blog also... itz a holidae after all... shd give u a rest too... guess itz tt time again tt i'm reminded so much of her.... i'm in office earli again to listen to them sad songs again....hahahha.... guess the Long Island did it last nite.... so gd to feel high again... laying thr enjoy the kick of the alcohol sinking in slowly.... all is coming back to me now... those daes i had in JC where i drowned myself in alcohol... that feeling of despair and sadness welll least the alcohol takes it all awae.... glad tt L.I. helped put me to sleep n nt think abt it all.... guess my next best confidant other den this blog is alcohol ba.... guess from 2dae onwards 1 or 2 bottz per daes shd b fine.... i've found a fren, a fren in u alcohol... plz b my best fren n nt leave me....
guess ttz all i wish to sae.... gd bye blog... merry xmas to u and to those who cared n bothered to read...

Macy Gray - I Try

Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I belive that fate has brought us here
And we should be together babe
But we're notI play it off, but I'm dreaming of you
And I'll try to keep my cool, but I'm feenin'

I try to say goodbye and I choke
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not here
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not here

I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
And I may seem all right and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
Just a front, hey
I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you
And I'll try to keep my cool, but I'm feenin'

I try to say goodbye and I choke
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not here
Goodbye and I chokeI try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not here

Here is my confession
May I be your possession
Boy, I need your touch
Your love, kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
Deny
I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you
(but I'm dreaming of you babe)
And I'll keep my cool, but I'm feenin'

I try to say goodbye and I choke (yeah)
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
(when you are not near aahh)
Goodbye and I choke
(yeah, yeah, yeah)
I try to walk away and I stumble
(hey, hey, hey)
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
(say it Lord)
My world crumbles when you are not here
Goodbye and I choke
(I'm choking)
I try to walk away and I stumbe
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
(when you are not near, yeah, yeah yeah)
Yeah, yeah..

Even in my heart I see
You're not bein' true to me
Deep within my soul I feel
Nothing's like it used to be
Sometimes I wish I could turn back time
Impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could so bad baby
Quit playin' games with my heart

Chorus:Quit playin' games with my heart
Before you tear us apart
I should've known from the start
Before you got into my heart
I live my life the way
To keep you comin' back to me
Everything I do is for you so
So what is it that you can't see

Sometimes I wish I could
Turn back time, impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could so bad
You better quit playin' games with my heart
ChorusQuit playin' games
Baby, baby the love that we had was so strong
Don't leave me hangin' here forever
Oh baby, baby this is not a lie, let's stop
This tonight
Baby, quit playin' games
Sometimes I wish I could
Turn back time, impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could so bad, baby
Quit playin' games with my heart
Chorus

爱，很简单陶吉吉

忘了是怎么开始也许就是对你一种感觉忽然间发现自己已深深爱上你真的很简单爱的地暗天黑都已无所谓是是非非无法抉择没有后悔为爱日夜去跟随那个疯狂的人是我喔～I LOVE YOU 无法不爱著你 BABY 说你也爱我I LOVE YOU 永远不愿意 BABY 失去你不可能更快乐只要能在一起做什么都可以虽然世界变个不停用最真诚的心让爱变的简单I LOVE YOU 我一直在这里一直在爱你I LOVE YOU(yes I do)永远都不放弃这爱的权利如果你还有一些困惑 Oh No 请贴著我的心倾听听我说著爱你(yes I do)我爱你

普通朋友

等待我随时随地在等待做你感情上的依赖我没有任何的疑问这是爱我猜你早就想要说明白我觉得自己好失败从天堂掉落到深渊多无奈我愿意改变 (what can I do?)重新再来一遍(just give me chance)我无法只是普通朋友感情已那么深叫我怎么能收手但你说 I only want to be your friend 做个朋友我猜你心中只是 just a friend 不是情人我感激你对我这样的坦白但我给你的爱暂时收不回来So I 我不能只是 be your friend I just can't beyour friend no,no,no,我不能只是做你的朋友不能只是做普通朋友

流砂

并不是真的路过而已并不是真的不会想你全都不是真的是骗自己其实还爱你爱着你我以为我早想清楚不由自主恍恍惚惚又走回头路再看一眼有过的幸福爱情好像流沙我不挣扎随它去吧我不害怕爱情好像流沙心里的牵挂不愿放下ON BABY 让我这样吧爱情好像流沙我不说话等待黑暗让泪能流下爱情好像流沙明知该躲它无法自拔 OH BABY 是我太傻是一再的做一再的错不由我我一步一步一步一步慢慢走向流沙

天亮

半夜醒来有事一个人习惯热闹的我不之该怎么办曾经拥有美丽我的梦疲倦的心早已不奢求能挽回感觉就像还留着甜蜜的回忆 Baby I'm sorry Baby I'm sorry把一切藏心底不愿忘记就让它过去我想就快天亮了吧我睡不着因为没有你我想就快天亮的吧等不到你分不清自己独自走在冰冷的夜晚擦身而过的你已不再孤单爱你的心已经以随着你离去的背影一步一步走出我无力的心我想就快天亮了吧我们曾经在这里我想就快天亮了吧没有感觉没有感觉我的心 Baby I'm sorry Baby I'm sorry 把一切藏心底我要忘记这段过去我想就快天亮了吧我很清醒还没有醉意我想就快天亮了吧失去了你已没有关系

great she moved on....

2004-12-19T20:40:00.000+08:00

i muz haf been realli ignorant all this while... haiz... i've not noticed at all.. still lingering on how much pain i felt during my break up.... coz she has moved on long ago... long long b4 i knew it... haiz... guesss i've spent my time foolishly trying to get back wat was realli nt worth it at all... nw i understand that it doesn't pay to be good... nw i know y in the first place she had told me nt to put any feelings in at all and y all the apologies of being afraid she wld hurt me in the first place.... guess itz all part of her usual rls terms and conditions... haiz... i'm such a fool realli nt knowing wat i m doing in life.... haiz... i shd be punished for so much negligence....

haiz... great... everyone ard me is so happie... dunnoe y... onli me like in a dark corner on my own.. juz like on stage, the spotlight focusing on me leaving everyone in the dark showing loads of happie faces... the spotlight focusing on the deeply in tot me thinking of wat i shd haf done in the first place when everyone realli told me to move on... guess i was juz stubborn... in my v own wae... i still haf nt learn from my mistakes... juz that i've been realli stubborn all along in my life... trying to get wat i want by juz being attitude.... no such thing cld happen haiz... nw i learnt it... i shall learn from my mistakes... n nt be a fool at all... least she is happieli in luv now... that she has found someone that she feels love her in the wae that she realli wants to be loved... guess nt all like to be pampered... guess i was juz nt "good" enuff for her... haiz... wat in the world haf i been doing all my life... punishments haf come one after another... guess thats the wae my life shd be... punishment after punishments... perhaps even after i die i shall be punished.... oh no... guess itz time to go....

they haf finished doing the closing... haiz... god... bless me please.... i'm in such a down state i guess i cannot pull myself together any longer.... guess it realli is worse... i will neva eva find a colleague to be my other half eva after........................................ thank u blog for letting me type all these down... thanks for letting me share my sad tots.... i think i'm going crazy..... thanks for being here when my parents aren't of any help at all.... haiz... thanks... thanks... thanks.... tha...................

lyrics time... haiz... dunnoe whether can or not...

2004-12-19T09:50:00.000+08:00

才离开没多久就开始
担心今天的妳过得好不好
整个画面是妳
想妳想的睡不着
嘴嘟嘟那可爱的模样
还有在妳身上香香的味道
我的快乐是妳
想妳想的都会笑
没有妳在我有多难熬
(没有妳在我有多难熬多烦恼)
没有妳烦我有多烦恼
(没有妳烦我有多烦恼多难熬)
穿过云层
我试着努力向妳奔跑
爱才送到
妳却已在别人怀抱
就是开不了口
让她知道
我一定会呵护着妳
也逗妳笑
妳对我有多重要
我后悔没
让妳知道
安静的听妳撒娇
看妳睡着
一直到老
就是开不了口
让她知道
就是那么简单几句
我办不到
整颗心悬在半空
我只能够
远远看着
这些我都做得到
但那个人已经不是我

只剩下钢琴陪我谈了一天
睡着的大提琴
安静的旧旧的
我想你已表现的非常明白
我懂我也知道
你没有舍不得
你说你也会难过我不相信
牵着你陪着我
也只是曾经
希钦娴谋任一挂?
我才会逼自己离开
你要我说多难堪
我根本不想分开
为什么还要我用微笑来带过
我没有这种天份
包容你也接受他
不用担心的太多
我会一直好好过
你已经远远离开
我也会慢慢走开
为什么我连分开都迁就着你
我真的没有天份
安静的没这么快
我会学着放弃你
是因为我太爱你

走在熙来攘往的街头
你不再牵着我的手小心翼翼的将你的小指勾
泪也小心翼翼的流有些事情你在瞒着我
你终于还是开了口淡淡一句～
还是朋友
撕裂的心犹如刀割
知道分手后你不难过
你比从前快乐
那祝福的话叫我如何能够说的出口
过往的欢乐是否褪色
想问你怎么舍得
不要在耳边再说你会想我

有谁能比我知道
你的温柔像羽毛
秘密躺在我怀抱
只有你能听得到
还有没有人知道
你的微笑像拥抱
多想藏着你的好
只有我看得到
站在屋顶只对风说
不想被左右
本来讨厌下雨的天空
直到听见有人说爱我
坐在电影院的二楼
看人群走过
怎么那一天的我们
都默默的微笑很久
我想我是太过依赖
在挂电话的刚才
坚持学单纯的小孩
静静看守这份爱
知道不能太依赖
怕你会把我宠坏
你的香味一直徘徊
我舍不得离开

itz me~!

2004-12-18T10:43:00.000+08:00

arlow~ itz me again... the same old me... trying to find new meaning in life... welll wat can i do to make things easier? i'm such a loser, guess by now everyone is like thinkin y am i so negative abt all the small things happening in my life as compared to other cases of catastrophe on-going all around me... satellites may be falling out of the sky, planes crashing, running out of the track, buildings collapsing, earthquakes, floods.... haiz... y... y... juz coz these things aren't happening to me so i can't be bothered abt them ttz y...
oh no wasted one paragraph on nonsense... haiz... same old me... i felt like i've been thrown into a cell... i onli haf the key to enter it and not to exit... haiz.... so dark and lonely.. all i can communicate wif are the cockroaches and ants that come crawling by.... all i can hear is a voice telling mi how much a failure i was and y i had ended up like that... alls done and over wif, wat i m suppose to do... all nt done and left aside.. "u're such a useless bum" i hear the voice calling out everi moment i try nt to think abt it... haiz... tt voice so familiar... seems tho it has been in me for so long... it is that voice thats alwaes there to pull mi down further into my miseries everytime i'm feeling down or beaten... haiz... why... tiz sound makes me so vulnerable, makes me so weak and wanna crumble... haiz.... back to life... enuff of those sillie descriptive words.... haiz... reality still hafta be faced....
i'm under so thick a mask nowadaes i dunnoe where the real me is... from my sec sch daees been mixing ard gals all my life, perhaps i'm being punished for my JC daes being so flirt for nothing.... haiz... shd haf learnt nt to do so earlier... thanks for punishing me heaven, thanks for making me learn, thanks for letting me know how it feels to go thru pain and such... guess that onli tru own mistakes can one person realli learn to grow and mature.... i m indeed immature in luv matters coz i juz went tru a test which i failed terribly... so nw is the time i nid to wake up, walk awae from life and think of wat i did wrong and hope that luv comes by someday one in which i can realli devote in...
i admit that the last one was short... though it lasted one month but... feelings were dead since 2 weeks into the rls... i'm sorrie for being so insensitive to others feelings... and i'm so sorrie for nt being understanding at all ... guess all my fault that i juz can't accomodate to others.... my very own negligence lead to great downfalls in my life, in my studies, my frenships and now my v 1st rls.... finallie i understand but yet i m unwilling to learn... i'm juz stubborn...
guess v much of this is why i'm such a loneli person haiz.. tiz isn't gd at all ... nt for me nt for anybody... lonely souls shdn't unite, instead they wld make the world an even lonelier place.... haiz... i shdn't exist either... it will juz make the world abit unhappier... can things eva change? i dun thinnk so since it is nt in my case.... haiz... how do i get out of this pain...here comes an irritating customer to bother me wif all her nonsense... haiz... .how to save myself...
my eyebrows are stuck together.... haiz... they can't separate at all... haiz.............................................................................................................................................................

I'm not a perfect person As many things I wish I didn't do But I continue learning I never meant to do those things to you And so I have to say before I go That I just want you to know I've found a reason for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new and the reason is you I'm sorry that I hurt you It's something I must live with everyday And all the pain I put you throughI wish that I could take it all away And be the one who catches all your tears Thats why i need you to hear I've found a resaon for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over newand the reason is You [x4] I'm not a perfect person I never meant to do those things to you And so I have to say before I go That I just want you to know I've found a reason for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new and the reason is you I've found a reason to show A side of me you didn't know A reason for all that I do And the reason is you

Beauty queen of only eighteen She had some trouble with herself He was always there to help her She always belonged to someone else I drove for miles and miles And wound up at your door I've had you so many times but somehow I want more I don't mind spending everyday Out on your corner in the pouring rain Look for the girl with the broken smile Ask her if she wants to stay awhile And she will be loved She will be loved Tap on my window knock on my door I want to make you feel beautiful I know I tend to get insecure It doesn't matter anymore It's not always rainbows and butterflies It's compromise that moves us along My heart is full and my door's always open You can come anytime you want I don't mind spending everyday Out on your corner in the pouring rain Look for the girl with the broken smile Ask her if she wants to stay awhile And she will be loved She will be loved I know where you hide Alone in your car Know all of the things that make you who you areI know that goodbye means nothing at all Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

sianz... wonder if chinese words work here...

2004-12-17T09:25:00.000+08:00

hi... itz me again.... 5 daes since break up dae... still full of sorrow and sadness... evridae hafta go tru same old problem of seeing her time and again... haiz... nt tt i'm sick of seeing her or aniting... juz that... haiz... juz wanna be wif her like before... or maybe we neva had been cept for the 1st 2 weeks... *sobz...* i know this doesn't involve any readers... juz wanna tell my blog only... haiz... sorrie for those who haf read for nothing...

anyway... she is collecting her N level results todae and haiz... shes been so negative abt it i dunnoe wat wae i can make her feel betta... but well... she is the happie go luckie sort... so juz wish her luck might be the best, least i think deep down she will understand and appreciate that i reallie wish her luck... or maybe she will juz put it at the back of her head and nt be reminded of it at all since i do mean nothing to her at all now... kz... ttz for tt... i pray for her now sincerely that she reallie achieve great results... haiz...

i've been a jerk recently... nt sure y i can't juz forget her the wae as normal and treat her like a gd fren... haiz... tot i cld do it but i can't, i've been treating her badly all along and so far become such an arrogant person all of a sudden... haiz... i dunnoe y this is happening but it hurts myself to see mi revert to my old ways of dealing wif a loss... haiz... i m stubborn indeed i dun deny.... but den haiz... i dunnoe... i perhaps m juz foolishly stubborn... thanks for all who i haf approached and offered comfort in each of ur own ways... those who offered to share their worse den mine situation, those who shared their opinions wif me... and those who offered to drown my sorrows wif beer (i'm sorrie no time to go wif u guys coz i work till so damn late and start so damn erli...) but den.. .i wld rather drown in sorrow den to treat things as normal...

i've been living behind tiz v fake me since that dae she asked to be frens... itz almost lyk i'm putting on a mask to work when i talk to her or when i wanna joke wif her... itz all so fake... such a facade... and so plain i'd use the word, "plastic" like i used to use to when Wayne was wif me those daes... hahaha... plastic... plastic... plastic... haiz... so sad... itz juz so fake... argh.... so many mask so thick is the mask... it covers up all the pain and hurt that i m feeling.... haiz.......

ok ok... end here liaoz... new dae ahead... nid to start work le.... haiz... gd bye blog... gd bye everyone...

2004-12-17T09:22:00.000+08:00

in case u guys are wondering who tiz f*cker who keeps complaining is... tiz is me... the fake me... i'm juz an ordinary boy wishing to become as cool and punky as tiz.... hee... look at all the trash ttz on my wall... so sad...

itz juz the end... u haf reached ur limit....

2004-12-13T09:28:00.000+08:00

great... it was juz great yesterdae... it was my worst dae in my life, so much agony when i read that sms that came... it was the end, the end of all my hopez... no matter wat i did i cldn't revive this hope. it was like *pooof* and it was gone... vanished into thin air no where to be found... if u r wondering wat i'm saying, itz my gf... she told me it was time to break... after all this while i finallie realised, i finallie realised that i was totalli in the wrong for all along in the rls....

i know admitting now doesn't help at all coz itz nt going to save anything not even the slimmest of hope for reconciliation... i've realli gotta go and kill myself or something but den suicide tots are juz foolish.. nobody wld wanna do that for gods sake or for anyone elses sake. now i dun even dare to look tru my phone... everything inside has her traces or even herself in it... haiz... i've brought all these misery to myself... it now time for me to face all the sorrow and punishment alone.

from last nites sms-es i finallie realise that i've been the one causing all the pain for her wif all the foolish things that i've shown her. wat was i thinking putting up all those nicks for her to see... it defeated my real purpose and created so much pain for her when ppl go ard asking her abt wat happened to me when she dun even realli know wat happened... i was being so insensitive all the while... all my paranoia and wandering tots lead me to all those stupid things that i've said... itz no wonder that shes feeling so much pressure and beginning to lyk me less and less over the daes till finallie when we confronted yesterdae tt she reallie admitted she cannot hold out any longer... haiz... wat haf i done... crying doesn't help, hitting myself doesn't either... blaming juz adds on to more miserie... it juz sux to reallie finallie realise tt i've been the big jerk all this while who caused so much pain to the one i love most. nw that shes so determined to give up tt i feel that i've lost all that i haf... my own happiness, everything left thats gd and that i can rely on.... i'm an onli child, my family members are unreliable... haiz.. was looking to realli rely on this rls to give me all the companionship i've been looking for... but now i realise deep down that i myself destroyed all this single handedly wif all the things i've done....

i so regret all these... tears are starting to fall... i can't hold them back any longer.... if onli i had asked her earlier and told her how i felt to sort things out den things wld haf been betta... but now... itz juz too late... y do i alwaes hafta wait till i realli lose something then i will know wat value it holds dearly in my life... i've been cheating myself all along saying how much i've loved her and cared for her.... in fact all i've brought to her was juz a whole bunch of misery and nothing else... i'm so sorry to u patricia.... for causing all those painful memories in our rls... if u r reading this... i hope u will understand that i've put those nicks juz to wanna let u know i care so much for u it hurts when u dun understand me and that i wished u wld haf shown that u cared but instead it caused the opposite of wat i wanted.... ppl came asking u wat u did to me and irritated u so much... i shd haf juz kept our rls to our own and nt involve everyone else ard us... itz all my fault that u haf to go tru all that. i still love u no matter how much u sae tiz feeling and rls is over... i juz can't put it down juz like that... haiz... u haf no wrong in this... itz all my wishful thinking not bothering to sort things out face to face instead... i've gone tru the wrong media to get wat i haf wanted and i'm now severely punished by that for losing u all my life... frens u sae u wanna be... i will try... but itz v hard for me to do so...itz realli v hard... haiz... i'll try.... but no promises....

at least nw i've learnt tt dun alwaes wait till everything cannot be saved den start to treasure it. things taken for granted will alwaes be lost in the end. nobody wants to lose wat they treasure the most... itz nt worth it to lose this kind of things. if theres doubt, clear things out, itz betta that wae... i've lost wat i haf due to the above points... i will learn to change them... but i hope that the rls still can be saved and carried on... haiz... pls do give me another chance to be ur bf if possible... nt nw, but in the future after i've changed...

dear blog thanks for listening... i know i'm going to become autistic soon, my lack of self confidence and paranoia has realli caused me alot of frenz lost and alot of treasured ppl missed out... i'm losing myself to my dark side... i'm juz gonna be an empty person soon... so empty theres nothing to know abt me, i'm juz like an open book wif empty pages, ppl juz open and forget abt me the next minute... a book, empty as it is, is so sad to be even read... or looked upon... from that emptiness alot can be seen... happie moments n sad moments but most of all itz juz idiocracy and foolishness playing part....who in the world can see these things from emptiness? haiz... i'm going mad think i nid therapy.... no therapy juz doesn't help... i juz nid to hide in one dark corner awae from people...

arlow~!

2004-12-05T09:31:00.000+08:00

itz me again... same old me... wif same old problems... [notice i'm trying to start on a high note wif my title? but den... a high note is hard to find in life... so be it... let me be this way...] when will hell really break lose? haiz... y do i alwaes appear so sad? coz i'm paranoid ttz y... i'm so paranoid of everything... i rather live in a void if there's a choice, i rather stay in a place where i dun hafta care abt anything, juz live life as it is... to me now... even loneliness seems a betta choice den having company ard me.
bah~... all these lies and irresponsibilities.... the tying down of one another person... all these is so tiring... haiz... who is tying down who... the question lies awake waiting to be answered by the person who would at least try to give it some due consideration... haiz... when will this qn ever be answered? "neva if u dun try" peeps will sae, but den try as u might answers not so easi to be found... thinking of things alone lets u realli reach deep into yourself and ponder wat u realli think is happening and thats wat i'm doing now... into office so earli that customers are waiting to break down the company's doors... *sighz* so well... i'm still so deepli in tots that i rather pen down everything in my trusty blog who i think nowadaes nobody bothers to read abt my problems =) [oh mi god... a smile... that was hard to gather...].
can i realli eva let go... coz wheneva i see that pic i'm alwaes reminded of how much i reallie like her or rather how much i m hurt by all the things she do, the waes she behave in and the waes she thinks she is showing that she still have something for me deep down... all these seem so superficial.... till now i still feel ultimateli unconfirm wif the status that i shd haf... all these seems more like a dream to me than any other thing... seems so real yet so hurting in all forms when things juz happen.... y do dreams hafta hurt so bad... but den again... dreams are dreams... shd all be ova soon i hope... if thats eva gonna happen... i hope it realli ends soon... nt by mi but by all other sources.... haiz... when, when will things straighten out... i neva dare to ask of the other party nor tell the other party abt all my tots and stuff... coz, i'm juz nt a gd conversator who can speak his mind wif ease and nt anger nor affect the other party... sarcasm wld flow, doubtful statements made, irritation occurs and everything wld come out to a huge mess... all this is so unfair... i'm so v tied down by my own limitations and yet i hafta make myself into another person's ideal...
putting all that aside coz if i go on any further tears wld flow... i'm thinking too much, too much to be written down... more of it are confidential... least... to my own benefit... anyway, i'm writing here coz she neva bothers to read this at all.... claims she dun like books... so i alwaes make my entries s-long-s posb to prevent her from wanting to read.... onli those who realli cares bothers to read afterall... [thanks all who read till here]
damn father of mine... still so unrepentant for all the things he has done... juz coz i'm working and can't provide him wif S$20 he juz blasted at me for nothing... is $$$ so important to him that even family means nothing? if it realli is that case... den y dun he juz buy a money making family instead of wanting to make one of his own and try to make it all come to this? is this wat he realli wanted? all of these years of hard work to set up a family juz to look for moneytary returns? wow... wat an investment he has made... but too bad... he neglected all his "investments" years ago and now... he realises that funds are running low, brings his stomach full or pride along and try to solicit as much money as he can that wldn't hurt his pride at all... is this kind of fatherli behaviour acceptable? how can this be happening... it shdn't be this way at all...
on trains i see happie families... i do not haf.... i see happie couples... which i wish cld realli be so in my own case.... i see ppl wif gd looks... well that one i can't help it coz i realli m nt made out for such things... i see ppl wif loads of frens.... erm... wat can i sae... i'm juz a shut-out myself... i hate big grps... i juz rather be wif the person i love... juz be the two of us and no others... i'm autistic k... i admit... i m in my latest stage of autistism can? does that satisfie all of the other frenzz who wonder y i no longer contact u all?
well thanks think i will end right here.... other colleagues are coming in... it shd all juz end here and be well.... thanks for hearing me out blog... everything is written in her favourite colour... nt mine... juz haiz... so much for wanting to sae "i luv u dear" all goes down to nothing... so... haiz... still wanna sae it... "i realli luv u deepli... hope u will understand and reciprocate..."

insurance for love?

2004-11-24T22:56:00.000+08:00

can there ever be unconditional love? haiz... can love realli exist juz by both parties knowing love is in their hearts? wat can one get from loving in such a wae? or is there such ppl who onli want to known as "attached but still very available"? can there ever be someone who is single yet attached? hw can all this eva happen?

it alwaes seems like one party is giving, the other taking yet nt reciprocating... all this is so v tiring and so hurting... all coz one is putting in so much effort while the other juz mereli puts in wateva her lil finger can afford to lift... seems tho itz not worth to be in such a rls since there is no return from the endless investments or no harvest from all those hard works to nurture and grow luv... by standers wld realli juz laff at the person who is so dumb and foolish to still wanting to follow this vicious cycle tt never reaps any profit but more pain n suffering. so dumb n foolish i think to myself too, but if i neva try, wld there b any results? wat if i tried and there wld b favourable results... but den... who m i kidding.... one-sided affairs are alwaes foolish and nonsensical. they are juz excuses for one side to be deepli in luv n the other side to show others tt they are so fortunate. is it so hard for reciprocation to happen? nt the v least once? occassionalli one may sae is enuff but is it realli enuff to realli keep everiting going? hw will others think? "u reap wat u sow" they say, but it doesn't happen. so much efforts put in but all are juz taken and left aside, so wth m i trying so hard for? haiz.... can someone plz help....

u'd tell me b4 that luv dun nid to sae out, juz know itz in the heart can le... yeah... i know itz in the heart, somewhere, juz that i dunnoe where, where is ur "in the heart"? is it at the v back where u hide it so secretly that u will neva even bother to bring it out ever again? if ttz eva the caze, den ur "in the heart" theory is juz a facade for u to disguise ur very intentions to keep someone by ur side for as long as u nid... if u realli put love in ur heart n dun sae out at all, will the other party ever know... if ttz the wae u feel things shd b, there won't b any nid for sweet toking, no one will sae "I love u", no one will show the other party ani concern. everyone will juz mind their own business and take life as it wld be.... if things were nt to be said/showed coz u will know itz thr den haiz... dun wish to carry on this... each haf their own opinion... i'm prejudiced so be it...

hw can a rls be presented as "i'm tt wae, i told u b4, u like it u take it, u dunch, u can juz leave it, ttz all" haiz... itz tho rls is juz an item tt u present to others to test the acceptance. hw cld tiz eva be.... u may b young and reckless but when will u eva bcum mature if u eva wanna stay this wae foreva? change is nt something u can do, u sae... but change is something u will undergo, itz nt something u can DO.... if resistance to change makes u feel betta, by all means plz juz go ahead and resist. all i want is for u 2 b wat u feel will make u happie...

which person can eva stand their other half doing things that hurt them right in front of them? they wldn't even know wat happens realli behind their back. wld it be worst, wld it be less or perhaps nt as bad as in presence of tt v person? who can realli stand ur other half flirt abt wif the other gender right under their nose? tolerance is the wae to go one might say... but how long can one eva tolerate all this humiliation and misery? everyday is such a long time to pass, nobody can realli last v long coz itz v tiring juz nt to think of it nor to see all these things.... further more to worrie abt wat happens behind their backs..... being cuckold is realli more den wat most peeps can eva tolerate.if one sees freedom as being able to flirt ard even when one is attached den the freedom seems to be abit more den freedom. y eva get into a rls when u still wanna go ard flirting? doesn't it make one realise that it realli hurts the other party to see all these happening? is it realli that hard to notice? explanation serves onli as an excuse.... words neva speak louder den action.... if words can let one get awae wif everiting, den there shd neva be action. [i find that i've been frowning every second i'm typing all this, tears are rolling within the eyes. onli inner strength from the soul is holding them back... i'm nt trying to touch anyone wif this, juz pinning down all thats realli bothering me dae to dae to dae to dae...]

everidae is so emotionalli tiring, peers haf asked me to let go earli but how cld i? i've devoted myself to this rls even more den i devote to myself. i'm willing to change to suit the other party but y can't everything be 2 wae instead of one? i'm like travelling on a one wae expresswae trying to meet someone who i m suppose to meet but seems tho that person neva ever set off at all... i'm racing... racing... racing... but neva will i meet that someone nor the end of the road... so painful i've alwaes felt eva since i've fallen in.... this trap is so full of torments n misery i wonder hw long i can last... will there eva be light at the end of the tunnel if u stick to it... seems like there is no possibilities... except for the minute times u get to see candles tt help lite up abit of the tunnel...

think my eyes are playing tricks on me... i'm starting to see the words dance... or is it coz of all the tears stuck there... i'm nt sure if i shd carry on.... i m indeed a foolish person if i were to sae.... i m thinking of it everynite,day and time... so sad i get everytime i think i hafta let go coz i know i willl regret everything in the end and juz lose myself... haiz... all those tormentous sessions i went tru... all the sadness i get in life... now is the peak of all of these emotional distress... psychology has alwaes been my fav thing but den nw i think tt i can't take up psycho coz i realli m too affected by things to be realli in control... i've lost my dreams... i've lost myself... i've lost my v soul... nothing can retrieve me from the realms of the lostness... revival will never be a solution... death awaits at the interval. when that will be, there no definite answer.... this is like a slow death for me.... everyday i go thru the same old pain, i juz go tru it all... as tho itz part and parcel of life... if that is the wae i hafta go on... haiz....

think i'll end here... crying is neva an option for guys... if onli there wld be understanding parents in the household i can open to.... the onli child alwaes suffer emotionalli alone... hide in a corner and be autistic is wat i shd do... gd bye frenz... once i'm autistic i may nt remember who u all are... thanks for reading all this... but do remember me if u realli care.... otherwise.... juz like my nick suggest... i can be really4gt10 (really forgotten) gd bye dear dear world that open my eyes to so much things before i can realli set myself to fight for wat i want... giving up seems like the best option to me nw... how m i gonna put it.... haiz... gd bye den... i'll hafta think of a wae.... amiable or nt itz nt up to me to decide... but wait i shd hold on or shd i... i realli nid help... shd i dial 1800-46434357 (1800-i-nid-help) haiz... wat shd i do....

[P.S.: i will neva stop loving u juz tt it realli hurts me everytime to see wat u do. every bit hurts... so much pain i carry wif me into my sleep everytime having to try and hide them awae but be reminded of it everytime i see u. i try nt to look but it juz so alwaes happen onli when i look. hw can i nt care? if i dun care, who will? juz let u know i will love u alwaes]

D-Day has arrived....

2004-11-24T15:32:00.000+08:00

HAIZ... itz me again..... sorry to alwaes start of wif my cliche "haiz..." but den... wheneva i log into here.... it realli is "HAIZ...." to me... it all juz complaints or sad thoughts for me when i come in here and "trash things out wif moiself"
oh no irritating customers coming in and out... can they like so stop coming in and bother me? haiyoh... get lost manz~ i hate moi life now... so much misery and so much worries.... i'm looking old, sad and frustrated all the time.... or shd i sae i look more constipated wif so much feeelings stuck inside of me.... oh mi god... shd i get emotional diarrhoea to get everything out? will that eva help instead? haiyoh... can i eva stop all this nonsense... will i eva enter a happie entrie for as long as i stay on this earth? seems like tho it will neva happen.....

d-day is so wonderful to me.... seems like it will be the end of everything and the end of all elze misery...... misery, misery, misery..... so much of it flooding ppl's life all the time, every second every minute every hour every dae every month every year every light year.... ok think i gone too far liaoz.... haiyoh... so much so long and soooooooooooooo unstoppable..................... my god.... how can this alwaes be happening.... i've stoppped for the time being... will be back later to fill in later....

ok i'm back.... seems like i'm cheered up abit but den still feeling extremeli low... but den haiz.... i can see some light within the darkness but so meagre/tiny/little is the light that itz almost non-noticeable.... haiz... least there's light rather den theres no light.... haiz... haiz.. haiz.... y muz there be blows after blows after blows to beat me down down down down to the deepest of all miseries.... no rope cld reach........ me..... haiz.... so jialat.... i'm like in a abyss of darkness.... in a room wifout window nor lights.... in an enclosed cell where nobodi can reach..... in a vacuum whr no cries nor pleads cld be heard.... haiz.... oh mi god.... ooops... =X i forgot... theres no god existing in a vacuum who is able to answer to me... haiz haiz haiz.... will i be drained of life force or will i be killed in an instant? a slow death wld seem painful and torturing... for anyone but den one can realli see flashes of all the chance misses in life, all the brain cells working overtime to make u remember everything in life, go tru a short history lessons.... let u feel and see ur life tru a 3rd person view.... all of these are soooooooooooooo miserably disturbing.... oh mi god... oh mi god... oh mi god....

a quick death alwaes seems betta den dying miserabli slow..... quick death, everything will end v quickli "short and sweet" i shd sae.... draggy draggy draggy is neva the wae to go....think everyone will enjoy a quick death, bullet tru the skull or heart, fall from great height, or get run down by a moving vehicle.... death is so wonderful... if onli one cld experience death more den once den one can tell others how it realli feels and wat it is like awae from life. being close to death is more of an adrenaline rush rather den an experience of death itself.... if onli i cld be the 1st person to ever pen down how death is like... and that it not be imagined at all.... hw can anything beat the real thing ppl alwaes sae...

ok ok think i talk enuff abt death le... i will end here and go find the answer to my questions, find y i feel so extremeli low todae... find out if things can be changed, if ppl can be changed or is it that to accomodate is the onli wae to go in life... if we are to be accomodating to others all our life, wldn't there be so much chaos... coz evero minute every second u hafta adjust to other ppl.... haiz... so miserable is life.... ok ok i'll go on and on foreva... muz stop here liaoz...
bye bye blog... bye bye everyone.... bye bye.... last bye bye le...